SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7973
Loc: Mid Mo
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Capt. Kirk For President
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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67Firebird
Former political advocate
Reged: 12/14/05
Posts: 9244
Loc: Russellville, Mo
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Awesome!  
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7973
Loc: Mid Mo
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An elderly gentleman, quite well to do, realized that his life was turning down the final stretch, so he summoned the three friends that he trusted the most for some advice. One was a doctor, one a priest, and the other an attorney.
"I've been thinking lately," he said to them, "that perhaps there is something to the ancient Egyptian belief that when we die, we take some things with us to the next world. So, I'm giving each of you an envelope with $1 million cash in it. At my funeral, I ask each of you to slip it into my casket so that I can use it on my journey to the next world." The three agreed.
A few weeks later, he was dead. At the funeral, each of the three went up to the casket, and each placed an envelope into the casket.
Afterwards, the three were talking, and the doctor couldn't keep it in any longer. "I have a confession," he said. "This year has been quite bad for the clinic. My CAT scanner broke, and I had to scrape to replace it. I took $80,000 out of the envelope to pay for it."
As the other two cringed, the priest then added, "I must confess, too. The poor have been especially unfortunate this year, and to provide them with food, I took $120,000 out and used it to feed and clothe them."
The attorney was beside himself. "I am disgusted. Our friend asked but one thing of each of us, and trusted us with his last request. How could you two break that trust and go against his wishes?"
The doctor replies, "You expect us to believe that you, an attorney, didn't take anything out of your envelope?"
"I would never!" replied the attorney. "In that envelope was a personal check for the full amount!"
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7973
Loc: Mid Mo
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The devil visited a lawyer's office and made him an offer. "I can arrange some things for you, " the devil said. "I'll increase your income five-fold. Your partners will love you; your clients will respect you; you'll have four months of vacation each year and live to be a hundred.
All I require in return is that your wife's soul, your children's souls, and their children's souls rot in hell for eternity."
The lawyer thought for a moment and asked. "What's the catch?"
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7973
Loc: Mid Mo
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7973
Loc: Mid Mo
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2008 Democratic National Convention Schedule
7:00 P.M. Opening flag burning.
7:15 P.M. Pledge of Allegiance to the United Nations.
7:30 PM. Ted Kennedy proposes a toast.
7:30 till 8:00 P.M. Nonreligious prayer and worship: Jessie Jackson and Al Sharpton.
8:00 P.M. Ted Kennedy proposes a toast.
8:05 P.M Ceremonial tree hugging.
8:15- 8:30 P.M. Gay Wedding: Barney Frank, presiding.
8:30 P.M. Ted Kennedy proposes a toast.
8:35 P.M. Free Saddam Rally: Cindy Sheehan, Susan Sarandon.
9:00 P.M. Keynote speech: "The Proper Etiquette for Surrender" French President Jacques Chirac.
9:15 P.M. Ted Kennedy proposes a toast.
9:20 P.M. Collection to benefit Osama Bin Laden Kidney Transplant Fund.
9:30 P.M. Unveiling of plan to free freedom fighters from Guantanamo Bay: Sean Penn.
9:40 P.M. Why I hate the Military: A short talk by William Jefferson Clinton.
9:45 P.M. Ted Kennedy proposes a toast.
9:50 P.M. Dan Rather receives "Truth in Broadcasting" award, presented by Michael
Moore.
9:55 P.M., Ted Kennedy proposes a toast.
10:00 P.M. Presentation: "How George Bush and Donald Rumsfeld brought down the World Trade Center Towers", by Howard Dean.
10:30 P.M. Nomination of Hillary Rodham Clinton for President by Mahmud Ahnadinejad.
11:00 P.M. Ted Kennedy proposes a toast.
11:05 P.M. Al Gore reinvents the Internet.
11:15 P.M. "Our Troops are War Criminals", presented by John Kerry.
11:30 P.M Coronation of Mrs. Hillary Rodham Clinton.
12:00 AM. Ted Kennedy proposes a toast.
12:05 A.M Bill asks Ted to drive Hillary home.
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7973
Loc: Mid Mo
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Or maybe this one from Daniel Kurtzman:
Denver, CO - As the Democratic Party engages in its quadrennial exercise in futility, here's a look at the surprises they have in store to win voters' hearts and minds.
4:00 PM - Opening Flag Burning Ceremony
4:05 PM - Singing of "God Damn America" led by Rev. Jeremiah Wright
4:10 PM - Pledge of Allegiance to Obama
4:15 PM - Ceremonial Terrorist Fist-Jab led by Michelle Obama
4:20 PM - Tips on Dodging Sniper Fire - Hillary Clinton
4:30 PM - Jesse Jackson Leads Castrati Choir in Singing "Great Balls of Fire"
4:45 PM - UFO Abduction Survival Tips - Dennis Kucinich
5:00 PM - John Edwards Speaks on "Family Values" via Satellite from Hotel Bathroom
5:30 PM - Eliot Spitzer Speaks on "Family Values" via Satellite from Emperors VIP Club
6:00 PM - Joe Biden Delivers 100,000-Word Acceptance Speech Featuring a 23-Minute Question and Two-Hour Answer
8:30 PM - Airing of Grievances by the Clintons
8:45 PM - Hillary Clinton Releases Her Delegates and Flying Monkeys
9:00 PM - Bill Clinton Delivers Rousing Endorsement of Obama Girl
9:15 PM - Tribute Film to Freedom Fighters at Gitmo - Michael Moore
9:30 PM - Exclusive Panties-Optional Celebrity Party Hosted by Paris Hilton and Britney Spears
9:45 PM - Personal Finance Seminar - Congressman William "Cold Cash" Jefferson
10:00 PM - Ceremonial Denunciation of Bitter and Clingy Gun Owners
10:30 PM - Ceremonial Denial of Progress in Iraq and Waving of White Flag
11:00 PM - Obama Energy Plan Symposium/Tire Gauge Demonstration
11:15 PM - Free Mayor Kwame Kilpatrick Pep Rally
11:30 PM - Al Gore Accepts Tony and Latin Grammy Awards
11:45 PM - Feeding of the Delegates with 5 Loaves and 2 Fish - Obama Presiding
12:00 AM - Official Nomination of Obama via Text Message Sent by Scarlett Johansson
12:01 AM - Barack Obama Accepts Nomination for Lord and Savior
12:05 AM - Celestial Choirs Sing
3:00 AM - Hillary Clinton Delivers Acceptance Speech
*******************
Republican Convention Schedule:
7:00 pm - Ceremonial burning of the U.S. Constitution
7:15 pm - Spiritual Medium Sylvia Browne performs psychic séance in desperate attempt to raise Ronald Reagan from the grave
7:35 pm - "The Pleasures of Adultery" - with Newt Gingrich & Rudy Giuliani
8:05 pm - Gay sex party in Men's Restroom hosted by Senator Larry Craig
8:35 pm - Transvestite Ann Coulter - "My Life as a Man"
8:55 pm - Live satellite feed from Federal Prison - Ohio Rep. Bob Ney
9:05 pm - Guest speaker ex-Florida Congressman Mark Foley " Joys with Young Boys"
9:25 pm - Oliver North - "Iran is Evil, but I sold them weapons anyway"
9:40 pm - Bill O' Reilly - "The costs of sexual harassment and phone sex with employees"
10:00 pm - Gay sex party in Men's Room hosted by Ken Mehlman and Geraldo Rivera
10:25 pm - Check John McCain to see if he's still breathing and if his adult diaper needs
changed.
10:35 pm - N.R.A. President hosts an assault rifle target practice on Gays and Mexicans.
10:45 pm - Call emergency squad after a drunken Dick Cheney accidentally shoots his friend in the face.
11:00 pm - President Bush performs his hilarious comedy routine where he looks for
Iraq's fictitious WMD's under guests tables.
11:15 pm - Governor Mike Huckabee does his famous uncanny imitation of Gomer Pyle.
11:20 pm - Group intervention to get Rush Limbaugh back into drug rehab
11: 45 pm - Go up on rooftop and throw rocks down at homeless Vets sleeping in alley.
12:00 am - Live satellite feed from Federal Prison - California Congressman Randy "Duke" Cunningham
12:20 am - Convicted felon/Fox News analyst G. Gordon Liddy - Lock picking secrets
12: 40 am - Guest speakers Donald Rumsfeld and Paul Wolfowitz - "How to lie your Country into a War"
1:00 am - Former House Majority Leader Tom DeLay - "Tips on Money Laundering"
1:15 am - Hookers arrive for after party
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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Mel
member
Reged: 12/14/05
Posts: 6896
Loc: Excelsior Springs, MO
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The madam opened the brothel door in Winnipeg and saw a rather dignified, well-dressed, good-looking man in his late forties or early fifties.
'May I help you sir?' she asked.
'I want to see Valerie', the man replied.
'Sir, Valerie is one of our most expensive ladies. Perhaps you would prefer someone else', said the madam.
'No, I must see Valerie', he replied.
Just then, Valerie appeared and announced to the man she charged $5000 a visit. Without hesitation, the man pulled out five thousand dollars and gave it to Valerie, and they went upstairs. After an hour, the man calmly left.
The next night, the man appeared again, once more demanding to see Valerie. Valerie explained that no one had ever come back two nights in a row as she was too expensive. But there were no discounts. The price was still $5000.
Again, the man pulled out the money, gave it to Valerie, and they went upstairs. After an hour, he left.
The following night the man was there yet again. Everyone was astounded that he had come for a third consecutive night, but he paid Valerie and they went upstairs.
After their session, Valerie questioned the man, 'No one has ever been with me three nights in a row. Where are you from?' she asked.
The man replied, 'Ontario'.
'Really?' she said. 'I also have family in Ontario'.
'I know', the man said. 'Your sister died, and I am her attorney. She asked me to give you your $15,000 inheritance...'
The moral of the story is that three things in life are certain:
1. Death
2. Taxes
3. Being screwed by a lawyer
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Member DU, Delta
Forgive your enemies, but never forget their names - John Kennedy
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7973
Loc: Mid Mo
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Illinois requires all state employees to pass an annual 10-question, multiple-choice "ethics" test (whose format lends itself to simplistic answers that, for instance, most college students might handle easily).
In January, state ethics officials declined to accept the passing grades of 65 Southern Illinois University professors because they finished "too quickly."
Asserted a reviewing state official, anyone who failed to spend at least 10 minutes on the test was being unreasonable. [Inside Higher Education, 1-23-08, 5-5-08]
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7973
Loc: Mid Mo
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I submit the following plan (to totally derail the Democrat's morale!)
Bush should resign now.
Then Dick Cheney becomes President (that would really tee OFF the libs!!!)
Then he appoints Condoleezza Rice as Vice President!
Then Cheney resigns two weeks later and .....
Condoleezza Rice, a Republican, becomes the first BLACK - WOMAN President!!!
And Hillary would have a stroke!!!
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7973
Loc: Mid Mo
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Thinking - The Silent Disease*
It started out innocently enough. I began to think at parties now and then -- just to loosen up. Inevitably, though, one thought led to another, and soon I was more than just a social thinker. I began to think alone -- "to relax," I told myself -- but I knew it wasn't true. Thinking became more and more important to me, and finally I was thinking all the time.
That was when things began to sour at home. One evening, I turned off the TV and asked my wife about the meaning of life. She spent that night at her mother's.
I began to think on the job. I knew that thinking and employment don't mix, but I couldn't help myself.
I began to avoid friends at lunchtime so I could read Thoreau, Muir, Confucius, and Kafka. I would return to the office dizzied and confused, asking, "What is it exactly we are doing here?"
One day, the boss called me in. He said, "Listen, I like you, and it hurts me to say this, but your thinking has become a real problem. If you don't stop thinking on the job, you'll have to find another job."
This gave me a lot to think about.
I came home early after my conversation with the boss. "Honey," I confessed, "I've been thinking..."
"I know you've been thinking," she said, "and I want a divorce!"
"But Honey, surely it's not that serious."
"It is serious," she said, lower lip aquiver. "You think as much as a college professor and college professors don't make any money, so if you keep on thinking, we won't have any money!"
"That's a faulty syllogism," I said impatiently.
She exploded in tears of rage and frustration, but I was in no mood to deal with the emotional drama.
"I'm going to the library," I snarled as I stomped out the door. I headed for the library, in the mood for some Nietzsche. I roared into the parking lot with a social reportage on the radio and ran up to the big glass doors. They didn't open. The library was closed.
To this day, I believe that a Higher Power was looking out for me that night. Leaning on the unfeeling glass, whimpering for Zarathustra, a poster caught my eye: "Friend, is heavy thinking ruining your life?" it asked. You probably recognize that line. It comes from the standard Thinkers Anonymous poster. This is why I am what I am today: a recovering thinker. I never miss a TA meeting. At each meeting we watch a non-educational video; last week it was /Porky's/. Then we share experiences about how we avoided thinking since the last meeting.
I still have my job, and things are a lot better at home. Life just seemed...easier, somehow, as soon as I stopped thinking. The road to recovery is now nearly complete for me.
Today I took the final step. I joined the Democratic Party.
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7973
Loc: Mid Mo
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Dear Sir:
My friend, Ed Peterson, over at Wells, Iowa, received a check for $1,000.00 from the government for not raising hogs. So, I want to go into the "not raising hogs" business next year. What I want to know is, in your opinion, what is the best kind of farm not to raise hogs on, and what is the best breed of hogs not to raise?
I want to be sure that I approach this endeavor in keeping with all government policies. I would prefer not to raise Razorbacks, but if that is not a good breed not to raise, then I will just as gladly not raise Yorkshires or Durocs. As I see it, the hardest part of this program will be keeping an accurate inventory of how many hogs I haven't raised.
My friend, Peterson, is very joyful about the futures of the business. He has been raising hogs for twenty years or so, and the best he ever made on them was $422.00 in 1968, until this year, when he got your check for $1000.00 for not raising hogs. If I get $1,000.00 for not raising 50 hogs, will I get $2,000. for not raising 100 hogs?
I plan to operate on a small scale at first, holding myself down to about 4,000 hogs not raised, which will mean about $80,000.00 for the first year. Then I can afford an airplane.
Now another thing, these hogs that I will not raise, will not eat 100,000 bushels of corn. I understand that you pay farmers not to raise corn and wheat. Will I qualify for payments for not raising corn and wheat not to feed the 4,000 hogs I am not going to raise?
Also, I am considering the "not milking cows" business, so send me any information you have on that also.
In view of these circumstances, you understand that I will be totally unemployed and plan to file for unemployment and food stamps. Be assured you will have my vote in the coming election.
Patriotically yours: xxxxxxxxx
P.S. Would you please notify me when you plan to distribute more free cheese??
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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Mel
member
Reged: 12/14/05
Posts: 6896
Loc: Excelsior Springs, MO
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PICKUP LINE
Having already downed a few power drinks, she turned around, faced him, looked him straight in the eye and said, 'Listen here good looking, I screw anybody, any time, anywhere, your place, my place, in the car, front door, back door, on the ground, standing up,sitting down, naked or with clothes on, dirty, clean . . . it doesn't matter to me. I've been doing it ever since I got out of college and I just love it.'
Eyes now wide with interest, he responded,'No kidding. I'm a lawyer too. What firm are you with?'
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Member DU, Delta
Forgive your enemies, but never forget their names - John Kennedy
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7973
Loc: Mid Mo
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7973
Loc: Mid Mo
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Justice Antonin Scalia told this joke at the outset of his speech after dinner on January 24th at the SCI convention in Reno:
During the late 1800s, a "HomeofToto" horse thief was caught, tried, convicted and sentenced to hang for his crime.
At that time, executions were not only penal events, but social events as well. On the appointed day, the town square was filled with men, women and children of all ages, all surrounding the scaffold and eager to witness the spectacle.
After the condemned man had climbed the scaffold and been positioned for the drop, the sheriff told him that "HomeofToto" tradition allowed him to address the assembled crowd with his last words.
The condemned man pondered a moment and replied, "I'm not in the mood."
The sheriff explained to the poor fellow that if he remained silent, he would be missing a last opportunity to express remorse, or even to vent his spleen, if he wished.
The sheriff explained that the condemned man could say anything he wanted, that he could inveigh against the cruelty of "HomeofToto" justice, the incompetence of "HomeofToto" lawmen or the corruption of "HomeofToto" politics - that anything was fair game.
The condemned man again replied, "I'm not in the mood."
The local congressman was in the crowd. The congressman, a renowned blowhard, had been listening closely and was fairly jumping up and down in frustration at the condemned man's failure to grasp such a wonderful opportunity.
So, the congressman called out to the sheriff in a loud voice, "Will the gentleman yield his time?"
The sheriff looked at the condemned man and asked, "Well, what do you say? Will you yield your time to the congressman?"
The condemned man replied, "Sure, but hang me first."
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7973
Loc: Mid Mo
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Members of Congress should be compelled to wear uniforms like NASCAR drivers so we could identify their corporate sponsors.
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7973
Loc: Mid Mo
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Four men were bragging about how smart their dogs are. The first man was an Engineer, the second was an Accountant, the third was a Chemist, the fourth was a Government worker.
To show off, the Engineer called to his dog. "T -Square, do your stuff". T-Square trotted over to the desk, took out some paper and a pen and promptly drew a circle, a square and a triangle. Everyone agreed that was pretty smart.
But the Accountant said his dog could do better. He called to his dog and said "Slide Rule, do your stuff". Slide Rule went out into the kitchen and returned with a dozen cookies. He divided them inot 4 equal piles of 3 cookies each. Everyone agreed that was better.
Then, the Chemist said his dog could do better. He called to his dog and said "Measure, do your stuff". Measure got up, walked over to the fridge, took out a quart of milk, got a 10 ounce glass from the cupboard and poured exactly 8 ounces without spilling a drop. Everyone agreed that was great.
Then the three men turned to the Government worker and said, "WHat can your dog do?"
The Government worker called to his dog and said "Coffee Break, do your stuff". Coffee Break jumped to his feet, ate the cookies, drank the milk, dumped on the paper, sexually assaulted the other three dogs, claimed he injured his back while doing so, filed a groevance report for unsafe working conditions, put in for Workers Compensation, and went home on sick leave.
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7973
Loc: Mid Mo
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7973
Loc: Mid Mo
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Pinocchio, Snow White, and Superman are out for a stroll in town one day. As they walk, they come across a sign:
"Beauty contest for the most beautiful woman in the world."
"I am entering!" said Snow White.
After half an hour she comes out and they ask her, "Well, how'd you do?"
"First Place!," said Snow White.
They continue walking and they see a sign:
"Contest for the strongest man in the world."
"I'm entering," says Superman.
After half an hour, he returns and they ask him, "How did you make out?"
"First Place," answers Superman. "Did you ever doubt?"
They continue walking when they see a sign:
"Contest! Who is the greatest liar in the world?"
Pinocchio enters.
After half an hour he returns with tears in his eyes.
"What happened?" they asked.
"Who the heck is Nancy Pelosi?" asked Pinocchio.
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7973
Loc: Mid Mo
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If Mark Sanford had cheated on his taxes instead of his wife, he would have been a cabinet member by now.
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7973
Loc: Mid Mo
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Old Luke, the hillbilly, was in town to the courthouse sitting in on his cousins bootlegging trial.
The judge was in the midst of sentincing, when he said that bootleg whiskey was a blight on mankind, the devils creation, and a product from the worst sort of folks in the county.
Well ol luke could hardly stand it, he jumped up and hollered out before he even realized it that moonshine was as good as a gift from god, it was a fine source of entertainment, and had kept his younguns fed many a
time.
The judge slammed down his gavel and told Luke he was fined 25 dollars for contempt, one dollar for every word. Luke being a bit hotheaded yelled back that he had contempt alright, and anybody oughta be able to see why.
Now the judge weren't used to such behavior from the hill folk, and slammed down his gavel again. "Thats another fine and ten dollars sir....another dollar for every word...you'll do well to remove yourself".
So Ol' Luke starts walking down the aisle toward the bench, pullling a wad of cash from his overall pocket as he went. The judge told him to stop where he was, they didn't take money there, he would have to take that up with the court secretary out in the hall office...
Oh no yer honor, says Luke....I weren't fixin to pay you. I was seein if I had enough to buy two more words.
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7973
Loc: Mid Mo
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HOW TO SELL TOOTHBRUSHES
The kids filed back into class Monday morning. They were very excited.
Their weekend assignment was to sell something, then give a talk on productive salesmanship.
Little Sally led off: "I sold girl scout cookies and I made $30," she said proudly, "My sales approach was to appeal to the customer's civil spirit and
I credit that approach for my obvious success."
"Very good," said the teacher.
Little Jenny was next:
"I sold magazines," she said, "I made $45 and I explained to everyone that magazines would keep them up on current events."
"Very good, Jenny," said the teacher..
Eventually, it was Little Johnny's turn.
The teacher held her breath ...
Little Johnny walked to the front of the classroom and dumped a box full of cash on the teacher's desk. "$2,467," he said.
"$2,467!" cried the teacher, "What in the world were you selling?"
"Toothbrushes," said Little Johnny.
"Toothbrushes!" echoed the teacher, "How could you possibly sell enough tooth brushes to make that much money?"
"I found the busiest corner in town," said Little Johnny, "I set up a Dip & Chip stand and gave everybody who walked by a free sample."
They all said the same thing, "Hey, this tastes like dog chit!"
Then I would say, "It is dog chit. Wanna buy a toothbrush?"
"I used the governmental approach of giving you something shitty for free, and then making you pay to get the shitty taste out of your mouth."
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7973
Loc: Mid Mo
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An elderly spinster called the lawyer's office and told the receptionist she wanted to see the lawyer about preparing a will. The receptionist suggested they set up a convenient time for the spinster to come to the office.
"You must understand, I've lived alone all my life, I rarely see anyone, and I don't like to go out. Would it be possible for the lawyer to come to my house?" the elderly woman asked. The receptionist checked with the attorney who agreed and went to the spinster's home to discuss her estate and the will.
The lawyer's first question was, "Would you please tell me what you have in assets and how you'd like them to be distributed under your will?"
"I have $40,000 in my savings account at the bank," she replied.
"Tell me just how would you like the $40,000 to be distributed?" the lawyer asked.
"Well, as I've told you, I've lived a reclusive life, people have hardly ever noticed me, so I'd like them to notice when I pass on," said the woman.
"I'd like to provide $35,000 for my funeral."
"Well, for $35,000 you will be able to have a funeral that will certainly be noticed and will leave a lasting impression on anyone who may not have taken much note of you!" the lawyer exclaimed.
"I need to know what would you like to do with the remaining $5,000?"
The spinster replied, "As you know, I've never married and the fact is I've never slept with a man. So before I die, I'd like you to use the $5,000 to arrange for a man to sleep with me just once."
"This is a very unusual request," the lawyer said, adding "but I'll see what I can do to arrange it and get back to you."
That evening, the lawyer was at home telling his wife about the eccentric spinster and her weird request. After thinking about how much she could do around the house with $5,000 and with a bit of coaxing, she got her husband to agree to provide the service himself. The next morning, she drove him to the spinster's house and waited while he went in. She waited for over an hour, but her husband didn't come out, so she blew the car horn.
Shortly, the upstairs bedroom window opened, the lawyer stuck his head out and yelled, "Pick me up tomorrow, she's going to let the county bury her."
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7973
Loc: Mid Mo
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A man was playing with his wand one day (imagine that)
and a fairy pops out and says, "I'll grant you one wish."
"OK, I want to live forever" he replied.
"I can't grant eternal life" said the fairy.
"Alright, I want to die after Congress pulls its head out of its ass."
"You crafty bastard!" the fairy replied.
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7973
Loc: Mid Mo
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The professor of a Contract Law class asked one of his better students, "If you were to give someone an orange, how would you go about it?"
The student replied, "Here's an orange."
The professor was outraged. "No! No! Think like a lawyer!"
The student then replied, "Ok. I will tell him - "I hereby give and convey to you all and singular, my estate and interests, rights, claim, title and advantages of and in, said orange, together with all its rind, juice, pulp and seeds, and all rights and advantages with full power to bite, cut, freeze and otherwise eat, the same, or give the same away with and without the pulp, juice, rind and seeds, anything herein before and hereinafter or in any deed, or deeds, instruments of whatever nature or kind whatsoever to the contrary in anywise notwithstanding.
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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