SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7976
Loc: Mid Mo
|
|
The banker saw his old friend Tom, an eighty-year old rancher, in town. Tom had lost his wife a year or so before and rumor had it that he was marrying a "mail order" bride.
Being a good friend, the banker asked Tom if the rumor was true. Tom assured him that it was. The banker then asked Tom the age of his new bride to be. Tom proudly said, "She'll be twenty-one in November."
Now the banker, being the wise man that he was, could see that the sexual appetite of a young woman could not be satisfied by an eighty-year-old man. Wanting his old friend's remaining years to be happy the banker tactfully suggested that Tom should consider getting a hired hand to help him out on the ranch, knowing nature would take its own course. Tom thought this was a good idea and said he would look for one that afternoon.
About four months later, the banker ran into Tom in town again. "How's the new wife?" asked the banker.
Tom proudly said, "Oh, she's pregnant."
The banker, happy that his sage advice had worked out, continued, "And how's the hired hand?"
Without hesitating, Tom said, "She's pregnant too."
--------------------
"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
|
Mel
member
Reged: 12/14/05
Posts: 6896
Loc: Excelsior Springs, MO
|
|
Just goes to show that because there is snow on the rooftop doesn't mean the fire is out down in the furnace. 
--------------------
Member DU, Delta
Forgive your enemies, but never forget their names - John Kennedy
|
SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7976
Loc: Mid Mo
|
|
She dropped her shopping bags and drew her handgun, proceeding to scream at the top of her voice, "I have a gun, and I know how to use it! Get out of the car!"
The four men didn't wait for a second invitation. They got out and ran like mad.
The lady, somewhat shaken, then proceeded to load her shopping bags into the trunk of the car and got into driver's seat.
She was so shaken that she could not get her key into the ignition. She tried and tried, and then it dawned on her why.
A few minutes later, she found her own car parked four or five spaces farther down in the same row.
She loaded her bags into the car and drove to the police station..
The sergeant to whom she told the story couldn't stop laughing.
He pointed to the other end of the counter, where four pale men were reporting a car jacking by a mad, elderly woman described as white, less than five feet tall, glasses, curly white hair, and carrying a large handgun.
No charges were filed.
The moral of the story is that if you're going to have a Senior Moment, make it a good one
--------------------
"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
|
SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7976
Loc: Mid Mo
|
|
An old farmer, selling his peaches door to door, knocked on the door of a very pretty young lady dressed in a very sheer negligee answered the door. He raised his basket to show her the peaches and asked "would you like to buy some peaches?"
She pulled the top of the negligee to one side and asked "are they as firm as this?" He nodded his head and said, "Yes" and a little tear ran from his eye.
Then she pulled the other side of her negligee off asking "are they nice and pink like this?" The farmer said "yes" and another tear came from the other eye.
The lady then opened the bottom of her negligee and asked, "Are they as fuzzy as this?" He again said "yes" and broke down crying. The lady said "what in the world is wrong with you?"
Drying his eyes he said, "The drought got my corn, the flood got my cotton, and now I'm gonna get screwed out of my peaches."
--------------------
"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
|
SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7976
Loc: Mid Mo
|
|
GAMES FOR WHEN WE ARE OLDER
1. Sag, you're It.
2. Hide and go pee.
3. 20 questions shouted into your good ear.
4. Kick the bucket
5. Red Rover, Red Rover, the nurse says Bend Over.
6. Musical recliners.
7. Simon says something incoherent.
8. Pin the Toupee on the bald guy.
!
SIGNS OF MENOPAUSE:
1. You sell your home heating system at a yard sale.
2. You have to write post-it notes with your kids' names on them.
3. You change your underwear after a sneeze.
OLD IS WHEN:
1. Going bra-less pulls all the wrinkles out of your face.
2. You don't care where your spouse goes, just as long as you don't have to go along.
3. Getting a little action means I don't need fiber today.
4. Getting lucky means you find your car in the parking lot.
5. An all-nighter means not getting up to pee!
Thoughts for the weekend
I signed up for an exercise class and was told to wear loose-fitting clothing. If I HAD any loose-fitt! ing clothing, I wouldn't have signed up in the first place!
When I was young we used to go "skinny dipping," now I just "chunky dunk."
Wouldn't it be nice if whenever we messed up our life we could simply press 'Ctrl Alt Delete' and start all over?
Stress is when you wake up screaming and then you realize you haven't fallen aSleep yet.
My husband says I never listen to him. At least I think that's what he said.
Just remember...if the world didn't suck, we'd all fall off.
If raising children was going to be easy, it never would have started with something called labor!
Brain cells come and brain cells go, but fat cells live forever.
But Most Of All, Remember !
A Friend Is Like A Good Bra. Hard to Find, Supportive, Comfortable, And Always Close To Your Heart!
--------------------
"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
|
SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7976
Loc: Mid Mo
|
|
An elderley man had a hearing problem for several years.He was almost deaf. His Doctor had him fitted with a new hearing aid which gave him 100% hearing.
On a follow up visit a month later the Doctor said,"Your hearing is back to 100 %. I bet your family must be really pleased you can hear again."
"oh, I haven't told my family yet,"smiled the old man." I just sit around and listen to the conversations.I've changed my will five times!"
--------------------
"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
|
SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7976
Loc: Mid Mo
|
|
A little old lady, well into her eighties, slowly enters the front door of a sex shop. Obviously very unstable on her feet, she wobbles the few feet across the store to the counter. Finally arriving at the counter and grabbing it for support, stuttering she asks the sales clerk: "Dddooo youuuu hhhave dddddiilllldosss?"
The clerk, politely trying not to burst out laughing, replies: "Yes we do have dildos. Actually we carry many different models."
The old woman then asks: "Dddddoooo yyyouuuu ccaarrryy aaa pppinkk onnee, tttenn inchessss lllong aaandd aabboutt ttwoo inchesss ththiickk...aaand rrunns by bbaatteries ?"
The clerk responds, "Yes we do."
"Ddddooo yyoooouuuu kknnnoooww hhhowww tttooo ttturrrnnn ttthe ssunoooffabbitch offfff?"
--------------------
"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
|
SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7976
Loc: Mid Mo
|
|
I told the wife, "30 years ago, I had to ask you to stop rubbing or patting on me for minute so I could take a sip of beverage and not spill it. These days I don't have to make that request any more."
She responded while glancing down the front of me, "Yeah, now you spill it on your shirt all by your self."
--------------------
"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
|
SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7976
Loc: Mid Mo
|
|
An older gentleman was on the operating table awaiting surgery and he insisted that his son, a renowned surgeon, perform the operation.
As he was about to get the anesthesia he asked to speak to his son.
"Yes, Dad, what is it?" "Don't be nervous, son; do your best and just remember, if it doesn't go well, if something happens to me .. your mother is going to come and live with you and your wife...."
--------------------
"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
|
SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7976
Loc: Mid Mo
|
|
Two little old ladies were sitting on a park bench outside the local town hall where a flower show was in progress.
The thin one leaned over and said, "Life is so darned boring. We never have any fun anymore. For $5.00, I'd take my clothes off and streak through that stupid flower show!"
"You're on!" said the other old lady, holding up a $5.00 bill.
The first little old lady slowly fumbled her way out of her clothes and, completely naked, streaked (as fast as an old lady can) through the front door of the flower show.
Waiting outside, her friend soon heard a huge commotion inside the hall, followed by loud applause and shrill whistling.
The smiling and naked old lady came through the exit door surrounded by a cheering crowd.
"What happened?" asked her waiting friend.
"I won 1st prize as Best Dried Arrangement"
--------------------
"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
|
Mel
member
Reged: 12/14/05
Posts: 6896
Loc: Excelsior Springs, MO
|
|
Bwaaaahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!!!!!
--------------------
Member DU, Delta
Forgive your enemies, but never forget their names - John Kennedy
|
SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7976
Loc: Mid Mo
|
|
Morris and his wife Esther went to the state fair every year, and every year Morris would say,? Esther, I?d like to ride in that helicopter."
Esther always replied, "I know Morris, but that helicopter ride is 50 dollars, and 50 dollars is 50 dollars."
One year Esther and Morris went to the fair, and Morris said "Esther I?m 85 years old. If I don't ride that helicopter, I might never get another chance." Esther replied "Morris that helicopter ride is 50 dollars, and 50 dollars is 50 dollars."
The pilot over heard the couple and said," folks I?ll make you a deal I?ll take the both of you for a ride. If you can stay quiet for the entire ride and not say a word I won't charge you! But if you say one word, it's 50 dollars".
Morris and Esther agreed and up they went. The pilot did all kinds of fancy maneuvers, but not a word was heard. He did his dare daredevil tricks over and over again, but still not a word. When they landed, the pilot turned to Morris and said, "by golly, I did everything I could to get you to yell out, but you didn't. I'm impressed!"
Morris replied "well, I was going to say something when Esther fell out, but "50 dollars is 50 dollars."
--------------------
"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
|
SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7976
Loc: Mid Mo
|
|
At 85 years of age, Wally married Lou Anne, a lovely 25 year old. Since her new husband is so old, Lou Anne decides that after their wedding she and Wally should have separate bedrooms, because she is concerned that her new but aged husband may overexert himself if they spend the entire night together. After the wedding festivities Lou Anne prepares herself for bed and the expected "knock" on the door. Sure enough the knock comes, the door opens and there is Wally, her 85 year old groom, ready for action. They unite as one. All goes well.
Wally takes leave of his bride, and she prepares to go to sleep. After a few minutes, Lou Anne hears another knock on her bedroom door, and it's Wally. Again he is ready for more "action". Somewhat surprised, Lou Anne consents for more coupling. When the newlyweds are done, Wally kisses his bride, bids her a fond goodnight and leaves.
She is set to go to sleep again, but, aha you guessed it: Wally is back again, rapping on the door, and is as fresh as a 25-year-old ready for more "action". So, once again they enjoy each other. As Wally gets set to leave again, his young bride says to him, "I am thoroughly impressed that, at your age, you can perform so well and so often. I have been with guys less than a third of your age who were only good once. You are truly a great lover, Wally."
Wally, somewhat embarrassed, turns to Lou Anne and says, "You mean I was here already?"
--------------------
"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
|
Mel
member
Reged: 12/14/05
Posts: 6896
Loc: Excelsior Springs, MO
|
|
I know several people that resemble that problem. (Come to think of it, I might have been one, but I forget)
--------------------
Member DU, Delta
Forgive your enemies, but never forget their names - John Kennedy
|
SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7976
Loc: Mid Mo
|
|
This will warm your heart, especially if you have lost faith in human kindness.
This letter was sent to the principal's office after an elementary school had sponsored a luncheon for the elderly. An old lady had received a new radio at the lunch as a door prize, and was writing to say thank you. This story is a credit to all human kind. Forward to anyone you know who might need a lift today!
Dear Faculty and Students,
God bless you for the beautiful radio I won at your recent senior citizens' luncheon. I am 84 years old and live at an assisted living home. All of my family has passed away and it's nice to know someone is thinking of me. God bless you for your kindness to an old forgotten woman. My roommate, Mary, is 90 and always had her own radio. Before I won this radio, she would never let me borrow hers, even when she was napping. The other day, her radio fell off her night stand and broke into a lot of little pieces. It was awful and she was in tears. She asked if she could listen to mine, and I said fork you biatch.
.
--------------------
"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
|
Mel
member
Reged: 12/14/05
Posts: 6896
Loc: Excelsior Springs, MO
|
|
The milk of human kindness..........not!!! 
--------------------
Member DU, Delta
Forgive your enemies, but never forget their names - John Kennedy
|
IIFID
Bond....Timmy Bond
Reged: 12/15/05
Posts: 8076
Loc: Nipawin, Saskatchewan
|
|
A husband and wife were celebrating their 90th wedding anniversary, and the media was there to document the occasion.
One of the reporters asked the secret to their successful marriage and longevity. The wife replied that they had never been sick.
The young reporter was astonished and to confirm said, "So, you've never been bedridden?"
And the wife quickly replied, "Oh, 1000's of times, and twice in a buggy!"
--------------------
Thought for the day; “It’s impossible to think outside of the box when all you do is think about getting inside of the box.”
|
SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7976
Loc: Mid Mo
|
|
An Elderly couple were celebrating their sixtieth anniversary. The couple had married as childhood sweethearts and had moved back to their old neighborhood after they retired. Holding hands they walked back to their old school. It was not locked, so they entered, and found the old desk they'd shared, where Andy had carved "I love you, Sally."
On their way back home, a bag of money fell out of an armored car, practically landing at their feet Sally quickly picked it up, but not sure what to do with it, they took it home. There, she counted the money--fifty-thousand dollars.
Andy said, "We've got to give it back."
Sally said, "Finders keepers." She put the money back in the bag and hid it in their attic.
The next day, two FBI men were canvassing the neighborhood looking for the money, and knocked on the door.
"Pardon me, but did either of you find a bag that fell out of an armored car yesterday?"
Sally said, "No."
Andy said, "She's lying. She hid it up in the attic."
Sally said, "Don't believe him, he's getting senile."
The agents turn to Andy and began to question him.
One says: "Tell us the story from the beginning."
Andy said, "Well, when Sally and I were walking home from school yesterday "
The first FBI guy turns to his partner and says, "We're outta here."
--------------------
"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
|
SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7976
Loc: Mid Mo
|
|
An elderly man and his wife went to the doctor. He went in first. She sat in the hall.
One of the first questions the doctor asked him was whether he had intercourse. He said, just a minute, went out in the hall, and asked the wife if he had intercourse.
She said no, we have Blue Cross/Blue Shield!
--------------------
"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
|
SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7976
Loc: Mid Mo
|
|
Went to my new doctor for my annual EXAM. The nurse started with certain basics.
"How much do you weigh?" she asks. "200," I say.
The nurse puts me on the scale. It turns out my weight is 215.
The nurse asks, "Your height?" "6 foot 0," I say.
The nurse checks and sees that I only measure 5' 10".
She then takes my blood pressure, and tells me it is very high.
"Of course it's high!" I screamed. "When I came in here, I was tall and slender! Now I'm short and fat!"
She put me on Prozac. What a biatch!
--------------------
"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
|
Mel
member
Reged: 12/14/05
Posts: 6896
Loc: Excelsior Springs, MO
|
|
I resemble those remarks. 
--------------------
Member DU, Delta
Forgive your enemies, but never forget their names - John Kennedy
|
SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7976
Loc: Mid Mo
|
|
Morris, an 82 year-old man, went to the doctor to get a physical.
A few days later the doctor saw Morris walking down the street with a gorgeous young woman on his arm.
A couple of days later the doctor spoke to Morris and said, "You're really doing great, aren't you?"
Morris said, "Just doing what you suggested, Doc:'Get a hot mamma and be cheerful.'"
The doctor replied, "I didn't say that.... I said, 'You've got a heart murmur. Be careful!"
--------------------
"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
|
Mel
member
Reged: 12/14/05
Posts: 6896
Loc: Excelsior Springs, MO
|
|
At that point, the doctor should also recommend Morris purchasing an iron lung machine.
--------------------
Member DU, Delta
Forgive your enemies, but never forget their names - John Kennedy
|
SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7976
Loc: Mid Mo
|
|
They always ask at the doctor's office why you are there and you say in front of others what's wrong and sometimes it's embarrassing.
There's nothing worse than a Doctor's Receptionist who insists you tell her what is wrong with you in a room full of other patients.
I know most of us have experienced this, and I love the way this old guy handled it.
An 86-year-old man walked into a crowded Doctor's Waiting Room. As he approached the desk, the Receptionist said, "Yes sir, what are you seeing the Doctor for today?"
"There's something wrong with my dick," he replied.
The Receptionist became irritated and said, "You shouldn't come into a crowded Doctor's Room and say things like that."
"Why not? You asked me what was wrong and I told you," he said.
The Receptionist replied, "You've obviously caused some embarrassment in this room full of people. You should have said there is something wrong with your ear or something and then discussed the problem further with the Doctor in private."
The man replied, "You shouldn't ask people things in a room full of others, if the answer could embarrass anyone."
The man walked out, waited several minutes and then reentered.
The Receptionist smiled smugly and asked, "Yes?"
"There's something wrong with my ear," he stated..
The Receptionist nodded approvingly and smiled, knowing he had taken her advice. "And what is wrong with your ear, Sir?"
"I can't piss out of it," the man replied.
The Waiting Room erupted in laughter.
--------------------
"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
|
Mel
member
Reged: 12/14/05
Posts: 6896
Loc: Excelsior Springs, MO
|
|
She must have been married one time to a duck hunter. 
(Oops!!! This was for the old gal with the radio back up the thread. Got on the wrong page.  )
--------------------
Member DU, Delta
Forgive your enemies, but never forget their names - John Kennedy
Edited by Mel (06/27/06 04:58 PM)
|
Previous
Index
Next
Threaded
Edit
Reply
Quote
