SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7973
Loc: Mid Mo
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Sheep Shagger
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7973
Loc: Mid Mo
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Superman was feeling bored after a long day of crimefighting and wanted to go out and party, so he called Batman to ask if he wanted to go to a club and pick up some girls.
Batman said Robin was ill and he had to look after him.
A little disappointed, Superman called Spiderman to see if he fancied a few beers.
Spiderman told him he had a date with Catwoman.
As a last resort, Superman flew over to Wonderwoman's apartment to see if she was free.
As he landed on her balcony, he saw Wonderwoman naked on the bed with her legs open.
Superman thought to himself: "I'm faster than a speeding bullet. I could be in there, have sex, and be out again before she knew what was happening".
So Superman did his Super Thing in a split second and flew off happily.
Meanwhile on the bed, Wonderwoman said: "Did you hear something?"
"No" said the Invisible Man, "but my ass hurts like hell!"
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7973
Loc: Mid Mo
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A taxidermist is on vacation down inn Arkansas. He is feeling a little thirsty and decides to have a few drinks at the nearest tavern. Upon entering the tavern, the conversation stops and all eyes turn to him. Feeling a little uneasy, he makes his way to the bar to order a beer. The bartender serves him and says, "Ya'll ain't from 'round these parts, is ya?"
Guy: "No...I am from Connecticut."
Bartender: "What is it you do up there in Connecticut?"
Guy: "Well, I am a taxidermist."
Bartender: "A taxidermist...Hey Al, you ever hear of a taxi-dermist?"
Al: "No, never heard of it."
Bartender: "So Mr. Taxidermist, what is it you do exactly?"
Guy: "Well, I mount dead animals."
Bartender: "It's OK boys--he's one of us!".
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7973
Loc: Mid Mo
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Three cowboys - one from Louisiana, one from Arkansas, and the other from Texas are sitting around a campfire, out on the lonesome prairie, each with the bravado for which they are famous. A night of tall tales begins.
The guy from Louisiana says, "I must be the meanest, toughest cowboy there is. Why, just the other day a bull got loose in the corral and gored six men before I wrestled it to the ground by the horns, with my bare hands."
The guy from Arkansas couldn?t stand to be bested. "Why, I was walking down the trail yesterday and a 15 foot long rattler slid out from under a rock and made a move for me. I grabbed that snake with my bare hands and bit its head off and sucked the poison down in one gulp. And I?m still here today!"
The Texan remained silent, slowly stirring the coals with his pecker.
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7973
Loc: Mid Mo
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Pinocchio had a human girlfriend who would sometimes complain about splinters when they were having sex. Pinocchio, therefore, went to visit Gepetto to see if he could help. Gepetto suggested he try a little sandpaper on his manhood and Pinocchio skipped away enlightened.
A couple of weeks later, Gepetto saw Pinocchio bouncing happily through town and asked him, "How's the girlfriend?"
Pinocchio replied, "Who needs a girlfriend?"
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7973
Loc: Mid Mo
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Question: What is the season, out-of-state license fee, and bag limit on ex-wives in the state of New Hampshire?
Answer: The traditional season is in autumn, after the leaves have fallen. The lack of foliage makes them easier to spot. License fees are usually minimal, and the limit is one ex-wife per day (although Mormons are allowed up to three).
Let us follow the brave hunter into the forest, to witness this exciting sport.
He quietly creeps up to a tree, which looks out on a clearing. He positions himself behind the tree, quiets his breathing, and gently pulls out the ex-wife call. He blows into it; the sound of "alimony! alimony!" echos through the woods. There! What was that? A rustling from the bushes a ways down. He sees some sparkles of light and figures it may be another hunter, so he holds his fire. But now the creature steps out of the cover and he can see that the sparkling is the diamonds given to the ungrateful biotch months before by her husband. He aims and prepares to fire... but holds, as he sees she is not alone. There are large, shambling forms accompanying her- lawyers! It is not unexpected for an ex-wife in the wild to be surrounded by one or more of these parasites, but it is always a surprise to see them. He aims again and fires! Rats, hit a lawyer. That's ok though, it's always open season on lawyers and there's no limit. But now the others are scattering. BLAM- He quickly fires again and this time hits the target!
Now that he has killed the ex-wife what will he do with it? Many men quickly stuff and mount their kills, but trust me stuffing and mounting is much more fun with a live woman.
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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Mel
member
Reged: 12/14/05
Posts: 6896
Loc: Excelsior Springs, MO
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Oh, Bubba................where art thou?????? 
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Member DU, Delta
Forgive your enemies, but never forget their names - John Kennedy
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7973
Loc: Mid Mo
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"Daddy look at this," and she stuck out two of her fingers.
Trying to keep her entertained, I reached out and stuck
her tiny fingers in my mouth and said,
"Daddy"s gonna eat your fingers!" pretending to eat
them before I rushed out of the room again.
When I returned, my daughter was standing on the bed
staring at her fingers with a devastated look on her face.
I said, "What's wrong, honey?"
She replied, "What happened to my booger?"
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7973
Loc: Mid Mo
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An elderly couple was attending church services. About halfway through she leans over and says, "I just had a silent fart, what do you think I should do?"
He replies, "Put a new battery in your hearing aid."
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7973
Loc: Mid Mo
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Two brothers enlisting in the Army were getting their physicals.
During the inspection, the doctor was surprised to discover that both of them possessed incredibly long, oversized penises.
"How do you account for this?" he asked the brothers.
"It's hereditary, sir," the older one replied.
"I see," said the doctor, writing in his file. "Your father's the reason for your elongated penises?"
"No sir, our mother."
"Your mother? You idiot, women don't have penises!"
"I know, sir," replied the recruit, "but she only had one arm, and when it came to getting us out of the bathtub, she had to manage as best as she could."
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7973
Loc: Mid Mo
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7973
Loc: Mid Mo
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A tourist driving through farm country stops in a local bar for a cold beer. He gets to talking to a farmer who is sipping whisky at the bar and looking like the end of the world has come.
The tourist ( being an old farm boy himself) is aware that it is highly unusual for a farmer to be in a bar while the sun is high.
He asks jokingly: "Why are you sitting here while God's good daylight is out there?"
The farmer says suddenly: "Ye know there are some things you can't explain". He keeps muttering this over and over.
The tourist asks what he means.
The farmer looks at him and says: " "Alright! I'll tell you what I mean"
"I was milking the last cow this morning. Bessie was always a restless one but this morning I had hardly gotten a quarter pail when she lashed out with her right leg and kicked over the pail. So I took some rope and tied her right leg to a stall post and then I continued. Well, she eventually kicked over the pail again and this time with her left leg - so i took some rope and tied her left leg to the stall post next to her. I continued trying to milk her when she used her tail to knock over the pail before I had hardly started".
The tourist asks: " What did you do then?"
The farmer looks at him with the look of the damned.
The farmer continues his tale.
" I had no more rope to tie the tail so I took off my belt to use instead. That made my pants fall down - and at that moment my wife walked in".
"Like I said - there are some things you can't explain!".
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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Mel
member
Reged: 12/14/05
Posts: 6896
Loc: Excelsior Springs, MO
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That would be perfectly acceptable in Ioway.
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Member DU, Delta
Forgive your enemies, but never forget their names - John Kennedy
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7973
Loc: Mid Mo
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In Iowa they train them to back up to stumps and list them for sale as a "Stump Broke heifer."
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7973
Loc: Mid Mo
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First Lady Hillary Clinton and Attorney General Janet Reno were having one of those girl to girl talks, and Hillary says to Janet, "You're lucky that you don't have to put up with men having sex with you. I have to put up with Bill, and there is no telling where he last had his pecker."
Janet responded, "Just because I am aesthetically challenged that's "politically correct" for ugly) doesn't mean I don't have to fight off unwelcome sexual advances."
Hillary asks, "Well, how do you deal with the problem?" Janet.
"Whenever I feel that a guy is getting ready to make a pass at me, I muster all my might and squeeze out the loudest, nastiest fart that I can."
That night, Bill was already in bed with the lights out when Hillary slips into bed. She could hear him start to stir, and knew that he would be wanting some action. She had been saving her farts all day, and was ready for him. She tenses up her butt cheeks and forces out the most disgusting sounding fart you could imagine.
Bill rolls over and says, "Janet, is that you?"
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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Mel
member
Reged: 12/14/05
Posts: 6896
Loc: Excelsior Springs, MO
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Bwaaahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!!!!!!
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Member DU, Delta
Forgive your enemies, but never forget their names - John Kennedy
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RafeHollister
member
Reged: 12/14/05
Posts: 672
Loc: Webb City, MO
Current High Scores in:
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The hillbilly went into town & walked into the pharmacy. He went up to the counter & said, "Hey thar. I need to get me some of them thar birth control pills fer my girl, Lurlene."
The pharmacist said, "Lurlene? How old is she?"
The hillbilly said, "She jes turned thirteen last month."
The pharmacist looked surprised and asked, "Thirteen? And she's sexually active?"
"Naw," said the hillbilly. "Not really. She just kinda lays there like her maw."
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Both how I'm livin' and my nose is large.
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7973
Loc: Mid Mo
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A huge looking woman wearing a tank top walks into a bar. She sticks out one arm holding it high -revealing an armpit bushy with hair.
She announces to the stunned customers at the bar: " Who will buy me a drink?"
The bar is silent -except for one little guy at the end (who is obviously smashed) who slams his hand down on the bar and says: "Bartender, give the ballerina a drink!"
The bartender complies. The huge female apparition throws it down. Again she throws out that awesome sized arm revealing that huge bushy armpit and says: " Who will buy me another drink?"
Again the bar is stunned into silence -except for the same little guy (even more smashed than before). He again slams his hand down and says: " Bartender, give the ballerina a drink!"
The bartender eases over to the little guy and says: " Look, I can maybe understand why you want to buy her a drink - but why do you keep calling her a "ballerina"?
The little guy says: " Any woman who can lift her leg that high has to be a ballerina".
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7973
Loc: Mid Mo
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A guy calls his buddy the horse rancher and says he's sending a friend over to look at a horse. His buddy asks, "How will I recognize him?"
That's easy, he's a short fellow with a speech impediment."
So, the short fellow shows up, and the guy asks him if he's looking for a male or female horse. "A female horth."
So he shows him a prized filly. "Nith lookin horth; can I thee her eyeth"?
So the guy picks up the short fellow and he gives the horse's eyes the once over.
"Nith eyeth; now can I thee her earzth"?
So he picks the little fella up again,and shows him the horse's ears. "Nith earzth; now can I see her mouf"?
The rancher is getting pretty ticked off by this point, but he picks him up again and shows him the horse's mouth.
"Nice mouf; now can I see her twot"?
Totally mad as fire at this point, the rancher grabs him under his arms and rams the little fella's head as far as he can up the horse's twat, pulls him out and slams him on the ground.
The short fellow gets up, sputtering and coughing. "Perhapth I should rephrase that; Can I thee her wun awound a widdlebit"?
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7973
Loc: Mid Mo
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A group of 3rd, 4th and 5th graders, accompanied by two female teachers, Went on a field trip to the local racetrack to learn about thoroughbred horses and the supporting industry (Bourbon), but mostly to see the horses.
When it was time to take the children to the bathroom it was decided that the girls would go with one teacher and the boys would go with the other.
The teacher assigned to the boys was waiting outside the men's room when one of the boys came out and told her that none of them could reach the urinal.
Having no choice, she went inside, helped the boys with their pants, and began hoisting the little boys up one by one holding onto their "wee wees" to direct the flow.
As she lifted one, she couldn't help but notice that he was unusually well endowed. Trying not to show that she was staring, the teacher said, "You must be in the 5th grade."
"No, ma'am, " he replied. "I'm the jockey riding Silver Arrow in the seventh.
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7973
Loc: Mid Mo
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An American tourist, a young man, rents a car in Sydney and is driving across Australia. It happens that while he is driving across a lonely, unpeopled part of the country (up here we say "godforsaken") he has to take a pee.
He pulls the car over and takes care of business. Just as he is about to get back in the car, a hard looking type comes out of the bush and points a shotgun at him.
Being a sensible guy who is always nervous when a shotgun is looking at him, the American tourist stands very still.
The hard looking guy says: " Pull"
The American is puzzled. " Beg your pardon?" ( he's from NY and is very polite)
The Aussie says: " Masturbate"
The American does so.
The Aussie says: " Now do it again".
Although a young man, the American says:" You mean right now?" The shotgun moves menacingly and the guy masturbates again.
The Aussie says: "Do it again".
The American says: " No way! You may as well shoot me now and get it over with!"
The Aussie lowers the shotgun and calls a pretty young woman out of the bush and says: " OK, I guess it's safe for you to give my sister a lift to town".
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7973
Loc: Mid Mo
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A farmer had five female pigs. Times were hard, so he decided to take them to the county fair and sell them. At the fair, he met another farmer who owned five male pigs. After talking a bit, they decided to mate the pigs and split everything 50/50. The farmers lived sixty miles apart, so they agreed to drive thirty miles each, and find a field in which to let the pigs mate.
The first morning, the farmer with the female pigs got up at 5 a.m., loaded the pig s into the family station wagon, which was the only vehicle he had, and drove the thirty miles.
While the pigs were mating, he asked the other farmer, "How will I know if they are pregnant?"
The other farmer replied, "If they're in the grass in the morning, they're pregnant, if they're in the mud, they're not."
The next morning the pigs were rolling in the mud, so he hosed them off, loaded them into the family station wagon again and proceeded to try again.
This continued each morning for more than a week. One morning the farmer was so tired, he couldn't get out of bed. He called to his wife, "Honey, please look outside and tell me whether the pigs are in the mud or in the grass."
"Neither," replied his wife, "they're in the station wagon and one of them is honking the horn."
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7973
Loc: Mid Mo
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A successful rancher died and left everything to his devoted wife. She was a very good looking woman, and determined to keep the ranch, but knew very little about ranching, so she decided to place an ad in the newspaper for a ranch hand.
Two men applied for the job. One was gay and the other a drunk. She thought long and hard about it, and when no one else applied, she decided to hire the gay guy, figuring it would be safer to have him around the house than the drunk.
He proved to be a hard worker who put in long hours every day and knew a lot about ranching. For weeks, the two of them worked, and the ranch was doing very well.
Then one day, the rancher's widow said to the hired hand, "You have done a really good job and the ranch looks great. You should go into town and kick up your heels."
The hired hand readily agreed and went into town one Saturday night. However one o'clock came and he didn't return. Two o'clock and no hired hand. He returned around two-thirty and upon entering the room, he found the rancher's widow sitting by the fireplace with a glass of wine waiting for him.
She quietly called him over to her.
"Unbutton my blouse and take it off," she said.
Trembling, he did as she directed.
"Now take off my boots."
He did as she asked, ever so slowly.
"Now take off my socks."
He removed each gently and placed them neatly by her boots..
"Now take off my skirt."
He slowly unbuttoned it, constantly watching her eyes in the fire light.
"Now take off my bra."
Again with trembling hands he did as he was told and dropped it to the floor.
Now," she said, "take off my panties."
By the light of the fire, he slowly pulled them down and off.
Then she said, "If you ever wear my clothes into town again, I'll fire you on the spot.
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7973
Loc: Mid Mo
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A young man from San Fransisco (the city of Brotherly shove) goes to a fancy cocktail party.While there he notices a man he would like to get to know more intamately and asks one of the waiters "Who is that good looking man?"
The waiter replies,"Thats Dr. Denton,the world famous proctologist".
Unfortunately for him,he does'nt get the opportunity to meet him that evening,but remembers his name and sets up an appointment at his office.
When the doctor asks him the cause of his visit,he answers that he has a pain and needs an exam.
The doctor procedes and then exclaims,"Hold on,I think I've got something here,Well I'll be damned,it's a long stemmed rose."
The kid looks over his shoulder and replies,"Read the card."
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7973
Loc: Mid Mo
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Meeting His Parents
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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