SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7976
Loc: Mid Mo
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Once upon a time there were two brothers. One brother
was very mischievous, always getting into trouble. The
other brother, however, was very good. He was always
kind to animals, helped elderly neighbors, and led an
exemplary life.
As time went on, the brothers stayed in touch but were
never close. The evil brother became a heavy drinker
and a womanizer. The other brother was a devoted
husband and father and supported many charities.
One day the evil brother died.Then, after a few years,
the good brother passed away. He went to heaven and
was rewarded with a happy afterlife. One day he went
to God and asked, "Where is my brother? He died before
me, but I have not seen him here in heaven."
God replied "As you know your brother led an evil life
so he is not spending eternity here in heaven. He has
been sent elsewhere."
"I'm sorry to hear that," the good brother replied.
"But I do miss him and wish I could see him again."
"You can see him if you wish," God said. "I will give
you the power to gaze into ****."
So the power was granted and the good brother gazed
into ****. Before long he saw his brother sitting on a
bench. In one arm he held a keg of beer, and in the
other he cradled a gorgeous young blonde.
The good brother turned to God and said, "I can't
believe what I'm seeing. I have found my brother, and
he has a keg of beer in one arm and a beautiful woman
in the other. Surely, **** can not be that bad."
God explained. "Things are not always as they seem.
The keg has a hole in it. The blonde doesn't."
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
Edited by SwampFox (02/02/06 04:17 AM)
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Mel
member
Reged: 12/14/05
Posts: 6896
Loc: Excelsior Springs, MO
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And, that's the "hole" story. 
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Member DU, Delta
Forgive your enemies, but never forget their names - John Kennedy
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7976
Loc: Mid Mo
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Miss Beatrice, the church organist, was in her eighties and had never
been married. She was admired for her sweetness and kindness to all.
One afternoon the pastor came to call on her and she showed him into
her quaint sitting room. She invited him to have a seat while she
prepared tea.
As he sat facing her old pump organ, the young minister noticed a
cut-glass bowl sitting on top of it. The bowl was filled with water. In
the water floated, of all things, a condom!
When she returned with tea and scones, they began to chat. The pastor
tried to stifle his curiosity about the bowl of water and its strange
floater, but soon it got the better of him and he could no longer
resist. "Miss Beatrice", he said. "I wonder if you would tell me about
this?" pointing to the bowl.
"Oh, yes" she replied, "isn'! t it wonderful?
I was walking through the park a few months ago and I found this little
package on the ground. The directions said to place it on the organ,
keep it wet and that it would prevent the spread of disease. Do you
know, I haven't had the flu all winter!"
The pastor fainted.
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7976
Loc: Mid Mo
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A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak.
After mass he asked the monsignor how he had done.
The monsignor replied, "When I am worried about getting nervous On the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervous, I take a sip."
So next Sunday he took the monsignor's advice.
At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink.
He proceeded to talk up a storm.
Upon his return to his office after the mass, he found the following note on the door:
1) Sip the vodka, don't gulp.
2) There are 10 commandments, not 12.
3) There are 12 disciples, not 10.
4) Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.
5) Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass.
6) We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J.C.
7) The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior and the spooky.
8) David slew Goliath, he did not kick the sh*t out of him.
9) When David was hit by a rock and was knocked off his donkey, don't say he was stoned off his ass.
10)We do not refer to the cross as the "Big T."
11)When Jesus broke the bread at the last supper he said, "take this and eat it for it is my body." He did not say " Eat me"
12)The Virgin Mary is not called " Mary with the Cherry,.
13)The recommended grace before a meal is not: Rub-A-Dub-Dub thanks for the grub, Yeah God.
14)Next Sunday there will be a taffy pulling contest at ST.Peter's not a peter pulling contest at St. Taffy's.
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7976
Loc: Mid Mo
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A priest and a num were crossing the desert on a donkey. The donkey finally could not stand the heat, and died. The two travelers had very little water and food left at the time.
After a while, the priest began disrobing, and said. "Since we are going to die anyway, there is just one thing I would like to do before I pass on".
The nun was shocked by his behavior until she noticed a large erection on the man. "Father, what is that thing?".
The priest replied, "That is the giver of life".
Whereupon, the nun said, "Then, stick it in the donkey's ass, and let's get out of here".
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7976
Loc: Mid Mo
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A Jewish husband and wife were having dinner at a very fine restaurant when this absolutely stunning young woman comes over to their table, gives the husband a big open mouthed kiss, then says she'll see him later and walks away.
The wife glares at her husband and says, "Who was that?"
"Oh,"replies the husband, "she's my mistress."
"Well, that's the last straw," says the wife. "I've had enough, I want a divorce!"
"I can understand that," replies her husband, "but remember, if we get a divorce it will mean no more shopping trips to Paris, no more wintering in Barbados, no more summers in Tuscany, no more BMW in the garage and no more yacht club. But the decision is yours."
Just then, a mutual friend enters the restaurant with a gorgeous babe on his arm.
"Who's that woman with Moishe?" asks the wife.
"Oh, That's his mistress," says her husband.
"Ours is prettier," she replies.
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7976
Loc: Mid Mo
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Jewish Want Ads
Divorced Jewish man seeks partner to attend shul with, light Shabbos candles, celebrate holidays, build Sukkah together, attend brisses and Bar Mitzvahs. Religion not important.
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Israeli professor, 41, with 18 years of teaching in my behind. Looking for American-born woman who speaks English very good.
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I am a sensitive Jewish prince to whom you can open your heart to share your innermost thoughts and deepest secrets. Confide in me. I'll understand your insecurities. No fatties, please.
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Jewish male, 34. Very successful, smart, independent, self-made. Looking for a girl whose father will hire me.
------------------------------------------
Single Jewish woman, 29, into disco, mountain climbing, skiing, track and field. Has slight limp.
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7976
Loc: Mid Mo
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The following is an actual question given on a University of Washington chemistry mid-term:
"Is Hell exothermic [gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)? Support your answer with a proof."
Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law (gas cools off when it expands and heats up when it is compressed) or some variant. One student, however, wrote the following:
First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So, we need to know the rate that souls are moving into Hell and the rate they are leaving. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving. As for how many souls are entering Hell, let's look at the different religions that exist in the world today. Some of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell. Since there are more than one of these religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all people and all souls go to Hell. With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially. Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand as souls are added. This gives two possibilities.
1) If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose.
2) Of course, if Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over.
So which is it? If we accept the postulate given to me by Ms. Therese Banyan during my Freshman year "That it will be a cold night in Hell before I sleep with you," and take into account the fact that I still have not succeeded in having sexual relations with her, then (2) cannot be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic.
The student got the only A.
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7976
Loc: Mid Mo
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The lost churches in New Orleans
One of the local television stations in South Louisiana actually aired an interview with an African-American woman from New Orleans. The interviewer was a woman from a Boston affiliate, so she asked the interviewee how such total and complete devastation of the churches in the area had affected their lives.
The woman replied, "I don't know about all those other peoples but we gets our chicken from Popeye's."
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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Mel
member
Reged: 12/14/05
Posts: 6896
Loc: Excelsior Springs, MO
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What did you do...........copy these over from our old home? I'm pretty sure they were posted over there.
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Member DU, Delta
Forgive your enemies, but never forget their names - John Kennedy
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7976
Loc: Mid Mo
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Nope, I haven't moved any of the 3 pages of "We're Going To Hell Anyway" joke yet.
Might do that tonight...
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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Hellbender
member
Reged: 12/14/05
Posts: 3416
Loc: Taney County
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An Irishman in a wheelchair entered a restaurant one afternoon and asked the waitress for a cup of coffee. The Irishman looked across the restaurant and asked, "Is that Jesus sitting over there?"
The waitress nodded "yes," so the Irishman told her to give Jesus a cup of coffee on him.
The next patron to come in was an Englishman with a hunched back. He shuffled over to a booth, painfully sat down, and asked the waitress for a cup of hot tea. He also glanced across the restaurant and asked, "Is that Jesus over there?" The waitress nodded, so the Englishman said to give Jesus a cup of hot tea, "My treat."
The third patron to come into the restaurant was a Redneck from Tennessee on crutches. He hobbled over to a booth, sat down and hollered, "Hey there, sweet thang. How's about gettin' me a cold glass of Coke!" He, too, looked across the restaurant and asked, "Is that God's boy over there?" The waitress once more nodded, so the Redneck said to give Jesus a cold glass of Coke, "On my bill."
As Jesus got up to leave, he passed by the Irishman, touched him and said, "For your kindness, you are healed." The Irishman felt the strength come back into his legs, got up, and danced a jig out the door. Jesus also passed by the Englishman, touched him and said, "For your kindness, you are healed." The Englishman felt his back straightening up, and he raised his hands, praised the Lord and did a series of back flips out the door. Then Jesus walked towards the Redneck.
The Redneck jumped up and yelled, "Don't touch me...I'm drawin'disability!"
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A government survey has shown that 91% of illegal immigrants come to this country so that they can see their own doctor.
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7976
Loc: Mid Mo
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In the mid-60s, a U.S. Navy cruiser stopped in Mississippi for a week's shore leave.
The first evening, the Captain received the following letter from the wife of a wealthy plantation owner:
"Dear Captain,
Thursday will be my daughter Melinda's coming-of-age party. I would like you to send four well-mannered, handsome, unmarried officers to attend the dance. They should arrive at 8 pm, prepared for an evening of polite Southern conversation and dance with lovely young ladies. One last point: No Jews. We don't like Jews."
Sure enough, at 8 pm on Thursday, the lady of the house opened her door to find, in dress uniform, four exquisitely mannered, smiling black officers.
Her jaw hit the floor and she stammered, "There must be some mistake!"
"Madam," said the first officer, "Captain Goldberg doesn't make mistakes."
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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USMC Ret
member
Reged: 12/14/05
Posts: 281
Loc: NW Ark
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A priest is driving the parrish car down the road. The car is fairly old and has no air conditioning as the church is trying to save money, so the priest drives with all the windows down on hot summer days...
The priest pulls up to a stop light and a hooker approaches him and says "Hey father, blow job for ten bucks".
The light turns green and the priest drives off but cannot help but think "what's a blow job?"..."what's a blow job?".
As he drives back to the church he decides he will ask Sister Smith (the young nun) what a blow job is, surely she will know.
As the preist returns to the church he see's Sister Smith standing on the vestuble.
"Excuse me sister?", the priest says... "What's a blow job?" he asks......
Sister Smith looks at him and replies........ "10 bucks, same as in town"
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7976
Loc: Mid Mo
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Two Priests are in a Vatican bathroom using the urinals.
One of them looks at the other one's penis and notices
there's a Nicoderm patch on it.
He turns to the other Priest and says, "I believe you're
supposed to put that patch on your arm or shoulder, not
your penis."
The other one replies, "It's working just fine. I'm down
to 2 butts a day."
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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Old Gooser
member
Reged: 12/14/05
Posts: 621
Loc: Snookies home town
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Now thats funny I don't care who you are!!
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Ok I give up, thank you to everyone who voted for the BMOFO, (GOD save the king)
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7976
Loc: Mid Mo
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After many years, a young Jewish Talmud student who had left the old country for America returns to visit the family.
"But--where is your beard?" asks his mother upon seeing him.
"Mama," he replies, "in America, nobody wears a beard."
"But at least you keep the Sabbath?"
"Mama, business is business. In America, everybody works on the Sabbath."
"But kosher food you still eat?"
"Mama, in America, it is very difficult to keep kosher."
The old lady ponders this information and then leans over and whispers in his ear, "Isaac, tell me--you?re still circumcised?"
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7976
Loc: Mid Mo
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A Georgia farmer arrives in Hell. The Devil assigns him to a part of Hell where the temperature is nearly 100 degrees and a humidity of about 85%.
The Devil drops around the next morning to see how the newcomer is (not) getting along. To his surprise, the Georgia farmer assures him:" This is nothing compared to hoeing a row in July in Georgia."
The Devil orders the temperature to be turned up to 110 degrees and humidity to 95%.
He visits the Georgia farmer next morning. He is really ticked off by the fact that the farmer is his usual smiling self. The farmer says: " Cleaning out a silo in August is worse than this".
The Devil decides to go the other way. He orders the temperature turned down to 10 degrees below zero and a wind to blow at 40MPH producing a wind chill factor of about 40 below zero.
Next morning the Devil pays his usual visit. He is astonished to see the Georgia farmer even more upbeat than usual. The guy is smiling and bubbling over and acting like he won the lottery.
The Devil says: " Doesn't the cold bother you?"
The Georgia farmer says: " It's a cold day in Hell. The Atlanta Falcons must have won the Super Bowl!".
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7976
Loc: Mid Mo
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Father Murphy walks into a pub in Donegal and goes up to the first man quietly sipping his Bushmills at the bar and asks:" Do you want to go to Heaven?" The man replies:" Certainly, Father". Father Murphy says: "Then put down that drink and go stand over there against the wall".
Father Murphy approaches the second man at the bar who is also quietly sipping his whisky. He asks: "Do you want to go to Heaven?" The man replies:" Oh, Yes, Father". Father Murphy tells him:"Then put down that drink and go stand against the wall".
Father Murphy now approaches O'Toole who has been watching this whole routine. He asks O'Toole: " Do you want to go to Heaven?". O'Toole says: " NO"
Father Murphy is surprised. He says: "Don't you want to go to Heaven one day like they do?"
O'Toole says in a relieved voice: " Oh, I thought you meant right now".
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7976
Loc: Mid Mo
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"Dear Lord," the preacher began with arms extended and a rapturous look on his upturned face, "without you we are but dust..."
He would have continued, but at that moment one very obedient little girl (who was listening carefully) leaned over to her mother and asked quite audibly in her shrill little girl voice, "Mommy, WHAT is butt dust?"
Church was pretty much over at that point...
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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Mel
member
Reged: 12/14/05
Posts: 6896
Loc: Excelsior Springs, MO
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Bwaaaahahahaahahahahahahahahahaha!!!!!
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Member DU, Delta
Forgive your enemies, but never forget their names - John Kennedy
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7976
Loc: Mid Mo
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The Scots undertaker sent a message to a son in law that his mother in law had died. The undertaker asked whether he wanted her embalmed, cremated or buried.
The Scots son in law replied: "Use all three. Take no chances".
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7976
Loc: Mid Mo
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A Scotsman and a Baptist minister are seated side by side on a flight from Edinburgh to London.
The flight attendant asks the Scot what he would like. The Scot asks for a whisky.
She next asks the minister what he wants. The minister replies: " I would rather be raped and ravished by whores all the way to America than drink whiskey!".
The Scot says: " I'll have what he's having! Ah didn't know I had a choice!"
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7976
Loc: Mid Mo
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Murphy showed up at Mass one Sunday and the priest almost fell down when he saw him. Murphy had never been seen in church in his life.
After Mass, the priest caught Murphy and said, "Murphy, I am so glad you decided to come to Mass; what made you come?"
Murphy said, "I got to be honest with you Father, a while back, I misplaced me hat and I really, really love that hat. I know that McGlynn had one just like mine and I knew that McGlynn came&nbs p;to church every Sunday. I also knew that McGlynn had to take off his hat during Mass and I figured he would leave it in the back of church. So, I was going to leave after Communion and steal McGlynn's hat."
The priest said, "Well Murphy, I notice that you didn't steal McGlynn's hat. What changed your mind?"
Murphy said, "Well, after I heard your sermon on the 10 commandments, I decided that I didn't need to steal McGlynn's hat."
The priest gave Murphy a big smile and said "After I talked about 'Thou Shalt Not Steal' you decided you would rather do without your hat than burn in Hell, right?"
Murphy shook his head and said,"No, Father; after you talked about 'Thou Shalt Not Commit Adultery' I remembered where I left me hat."
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7976
Loc: Mid Mo
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Twelve priests were about to be ordained. The final test was for them to line up in a straight row, totally nude, in a garden while a sexy, beautiful big breasted, nude model danced before them.
Each priest had a small bell attached to his weenie and they were told that anyone whose bell rang when she danced in front of them would not be ordained because he had not reached a state of spiritual purity.
The beautiful model danced before the first candidate, with no reaction.
She proceeded down the line with the same response from all the priests until she got to the final priest, Carlos.
Poor Carlos. As she danced, his bell began to ring so loudly that it flew off, clattering across the ground and laid to rest in nearby foliage.
Embarrassed, Carlos quickly scrambled to where the bell came to rest.
He bent over to pick it up......
Then *ALL* the other bells started to ring.
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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