Mel
member
Reged: 12/14/05
Posts: 6896
Loc: Excelsior Springs, MO
|
|
A fellow was getting ready to tee off on the first hole when a second golfer approached and asked if he could join him. The first golfer said that he usually played alone, but agreed to the twosome. After two holes they were even. The second guy said, "We're about evenly matched. How about playing for five bucks a hole?"
The first fellow said that he wasn't much for betting, but agreed to the terms. The second guy then won the remaining sixteen holes with ease. As they were walking off number eighteen and while counting his $80, the second guy confessed that he was the pro at a neighboring course and liked to pick on suckers.
The first fellow revealed that he was the Parish Priest. The golf pro got all flustered and apologetic, offering to return the money.
The Priest said, "No , you won fair and square and I was foolish to bet with you. Keep your winnings."
The pro said, "Is there anything I can do to make it up to you?"
The Priest answered, "Well, you could come to Mass on Sunday and make a donation. And if you want to bring your mother and father along, I'll marry them."
--------------------
Member DU, Delta
Forgive your enemies, but never forget their names - John Kennedy
Edited by SwampFox (06/28/08 09:40 AM)
|
Bubba
strangesly aroused
Reged: 12/14/05
Posts: 3828
Loc: Lemmingstan
|
|
I would recommend you change the title to just " Golf Joke". 
--------------------
God Bless our Troops!
|
foots
the exterminator
Reged: 12/14/05
Posts: 5241
Loc: by my spiritual advisor, Wu
|
|
That was more like a good priest joke. 
--------------------
I was born kicking, screaming, and covered in someone elses blood. I have no problem goin out the same way.
|
SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7976
Loc: Mid Mo
|
|
Feel free to post it in the Going To Hell thread. 
--------------------
"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
|
SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7976
Loc: Mid Mo
|
|
Sam walked into the countryclub bar, sat down with three friends and announced that Harry had killed his wife the previous day.
"No kidding" said Bob "How did he do it?"
"Beat her to death with a nine iron" said Sam.
"No chit! How many strokes did he take?"
--------------------
"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
|
SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7976
Loc: Mid Mo
|
|
A man entered the bus with both of his front pockets full of golf balls and sat down next to a beautiful blonde.
The puzzled blonde kept looking at him and his bulging pockets. Finally, after many such glances from her, he said: 'Its golf balls'.
Nevertheless, the blond continued to look at him for a very long time, deeply thinking about what he had said. After several minutes, not being able to contain her curiosity any longer, she asked: 'Does it hurt as much as tennis elbow?'
--------------------
"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
|
SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7976
Loc: Mid Mo
|
|
GOLF'S WORST FOURSOME
1. MONICA LEWINSKI
2. O. J. SIMPSON
3. TED KENNEDY
4. BILL CLINTON
WHY YOU ASK?
1. MONICA IS A HOOKER
2. O. J. IS A SLICER
3. TED CAN'T DRIVE OVER WATER , AND
4. BILL CAN'T REMEMBER WHICH HOLE HE PLAYED LAST
--------------------
"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
|
SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7976
Loc: Mid Mo
|
|
A guy's out on the golf course and takes a high speed ball right in the crotch.
Writhing in agony, he falls to the ground.
As soon as he could manage, he took himself to the doctor.
He said 'How bad is it doc? .. I'm going on my honeymoon next week and my fiance is still a virgin in every way'
The doctor told him, 'I'll have to put your Willie in a splint to let it heal and keep it straight.
It should be okay next week.'
He took four tongue depressors and formed a neat little 4 sided splint, and taped it all together.... an impressive work of art.
The guy mentions none of this to his girl, marries her, and goes on their honeymoon.
That night in the motel room, she rips open her blouse to reveal her beautiful breasts.
She said,? 'You're the first; no one has EVER touched these.
He immediately drops his pants and replies, ...
'Look at this, ....still in the CRATE!'
--------------------
"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
|
SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7976
Loc: Mid Mo
|
|
Recently I was asked to play in a golf tournament.
At first I said, "Naaahhh!"
Then they said to me "Come on, it's for handicapped and blind kids."
Then I thought...
"Man I could win this!"
--------------------
"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
|
SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7976
Loc: Mid Mo
|
|
A group of male golfers lived and died for their Saturday morning round of golf. One transferred to another city. It wasn't the same without him.
A new woman lawyer joined their law firm. She overheard the guys talking about their golf round. She said, "You know, I used to play on my golf team in college and I was pretty good. Would you mind if I joined you next week?"
The three guys looked at each other. Not one of them wanted to say 'yes', but she had them on the spot. Finally, one man said it would be okay, but they would be starting early -- at 6:30 am.
He figured the early tee-time would discourage her. The woman said this may be a problem, and asked if she could be up to 15 minutes late.. They rolled their eyes, but said okay. She smiled and said, "Good, I'll be there at 6:30 or 6:45."
She showed up at 6:30 sharp, and beat all three of them with an eye-opening 2-under par round. She was fun and pleasant person, and the guys were impressed. Back at the clubhouse, they congratulated her and invited her back the next week. She smiled, and said, "I'll be there at 6:30 or 6:45."
The next week she again showed up at 6:30 sharp. Only this time, she played left-handed. The three lawyers were incredulous as she still beat them with an even par round, despite playing with her off-hand. They were totally amazed, but wondered if she was trying to make them look bad by beating them left-handed.
They couldn't figure her out. She was again very pleasant and didn't seem to be purposely showing them up. They invited her back again, but each man harbored a burning desire to beat her game.
The third week, the guys had their game faces on. But this time, she was 15 minutes late, which made the guys irritable. This week the lady lawyer played right-handed, and narrowly beat all three of them.
The men mused that her late arrival was due to petty gamesmanship on her part. However, she was so gracious and so complimentary of their strong play, they couldn't hold a grudge.
Back in the clubhouse, all three guys were shaking their heads. This woman was a riddle no one could figure out. They had a couple of beers, and finally, one of the men asked her point blank, "How do you decide if you're going to golf right-handed or left-handed?"
The lady blushed, and grinned. "That's easy," she said. "When my Dad taught me to play golf, I learned I was ambidextrous. I like to switch back and forth. When I got married in college, I discovered my husband always sleeps in the nude. From then on, I developed a silly habit. Right before I left in the morning for golf practice, I would pull the covers off him. If his you-know-what was pointing to the right, I golfed right-handed; if it was pointed to the left, I golfed left-handed.
The guys on the team thought this was hysterical. Astonished at this bizarre information, one of the guys shot back, "But what if it's pointing straight up in the air?"
She said, "Then, I'm fifteen minutes late."
--------------------
"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
|
SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7976
Loc: Mid Mo
|
|
Post deleted by SwampFox
--------------------
"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
|
SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7976
Loc: Mid Mo
|
|
Post deleted by SwampFox
--------------------
"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
|
STTH
member
Reged: 12/14/05
Posts: 423
Loc: Turd Crick
|
|
That Kendra is one hot lil' chickadee
--------------------
|
SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7976
Loc: Mid Mo
|
|
A woman whose husband is always playing golf decides 'if you cannot not beat them join them' so she books a lesson with the club pro.
One on the first hole he's showing her how to hold the club, stance etc. Well, she chops and slices all the way down the fairway, 20+ shots to the pin.
Up on the second hole the pro says 'you're just not holding the club right, I know, pretent it's you old mans dick'
So off she goes, thwap - 275 yard drive, 65 yard chip and finishes with a 20 yard put, 2 under par.
The pro says 'brilliant, now lets try it without the club in your mouth!'
--------------------
"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
|
SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7976
Loc: Mid Mo
|
|
New rules for Senior Golfers
Rule 1.a.5
A ball sliced or hooked into the rough shall be lifted and placed on the fairway at a point equal to the distance it carried or rolled into the rough with no penalty. The senior should not be penalized for tall grass which ground keepers failed to mow.
Rule 2.d.6 (b)
A ball hitting a tree shall be deemed not to have hit the tree. This is simply bad luck and luck has no place in a scientific game. The senior player must estimate the distance the ball would have traveled if it had not hit the tree and play the ball from there.
Rule 3.b.3(g)
There shall be no such thing as a lost ball. The missing ball is on or near the course and will eventually be found and pocketed by someone else, making it a stolen ball. The player is not to compound the felony by charging himself or herself with a penalty.
Rule 4.c.7(h)
If a putt passes over a hole without dropping, it is deemed to have dropped. The law of gravity supersedes the Rules of Golf.
Rule 5.
Putts that stop close enough to the cup that they could be blown in, may be blown in. This does not apply to balls more than three inches from the hole. No one wants to make a travesty of the game.
Rule 6.a.9(k)
There is no penalty for so-called "out of bounds." If penny-pinching golf course owners bought sufficient land, this would not occur. The senior golfer deserves an apology, not a penalty.
Rule 7.g.15(z)
There is no penalty for a ball in a water hazard, as golf balls should float. Senior golfers should not be penalized for manufacturers' shortcomings.
Rule 8.k.9(s)
Advertisements claim that golf scores can be improved by purchasing new golf equipment. Since this is financially impractical for many senior golfers, one-half stroke per hole may be subtracted for using old equipment.
Please advise all your senior friends of these important rule changes. Carry a copy with you at all times, to refer to with those non seniors.
--------------------
"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
|
SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7976
Loc: Mid Mo
|
|
A young woman had been taking golf lessons. She had just started playing her first round of golf when she suffered a bee sting. Her pain was so intense that she decided to return to the clubhouse for help and to complain.
Her golf pro saw her come into the clubhouse and, 'Why are you back in so early? What's wrong?'
'I was stung by a bee,' she said.
'Where?' he asked.
'Between the first and second hole,' she replied.
He nodded knowingly and said, 'Then your feet are too far apart.'
--------------------
"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
|
MB2
member
Reged: 12/14/05
Posts: 5722
|
|
A father, son and grandson went to the country club for their weekly round of golf.
Just as they reached the first tee, a beautiful young blonde woman carrying
her bag of clubs approached them.
She explained that the member came with her to the club for a round of golf had an
emergency that called him away and asked the trio whether she could join them.
Naturally, the guys all agreed.
Smiling, the blonde thanked them and said, 'Look, fellows, I work in a topless bar
as a dancer, so nothing shocks me anymore. If any of you want to smoke cigars,
have a beer, bet, swear, tell off-color stories or do anything that you normally
do when playing a round together, go ahead. But, I enjoy playing golf, consider
myself pretty good at it, so don't try to coach me on how to play my shots.'
With that the guys agreed to relax and invited her to drive first. All eyes were
fastened on her shapely behind as she bent to place her ball on the tee. She then
took her driver and hit the ball 270 yards down the middle, right in front of the green.
The father's mouth was agape. 'That was beautiful,' he said. The blonde put her
driver away and said, 'I really didn't get into it, and I faded it a little.'
After the three guys hit their drives and their second shots, the blonde took out an
eight iron and lofted the ball within five feet of the hole. (She was closest to the pin.)
The son said, 'Damn, lady, you played that perfectly.' The blonde frowned and said,
'It was a little weak, but even an easy seven would have been too much club.
I've left a tricky little putt.' She then tapped in the five-footer for a birdie.
Having the honors, she drove first on the second hole, knocked the heck out of
the ball, and it landed nearly 300 yards away smack in the middle of the fairway.
For the rest of the round the statuesque blonde continued to amaze the guys,
quietly and methodically shooting for par or less on every hole.
When they arrived at the 18th green, the blonde was three under par, and
had a very nasty 12-foot putt on an undulating green for a par.
She turned to the three guys and said, 'I really want to thank you all for not acting
like a bunch of chauvinists and telling me what club to use or how to play a shot,
but I need this putt for a 69 and I'd really like to break 70 on this course.
If any one of you can tell me how to make par on this hole I'll take him back to
my apartment, pour some 35-year-old Single Malt Strath Mill Scotch in him, fix
him a steak dinner and then show him a very good time the rest of the night.'
The yuppie son jumped at the thought! He strolled across the green, carefully
eyeing the line of the putt and finally said, 'Honey, aim about 6 inches to the right
of the hole and hit it firm. It will get over that little hump and break right into the cup.'
The father knelt down and sighted the putt using his putter as a plumb. 'Don't listen
to the kid, darlin', you want to hit it softly 10 inches to the right and let it run left
down that little hogback, so it falls into the cup.'
The old gray-haired grandfather walked over to the blonde's ball, picked it up and
handed it to her and said, 'That's a gimme, sweetheart.'
The blonde smiled and said, 'Your car or mine?'
OLD AGE AND TREACHERY WILL OVERCOME YOUTH AND SKILL EVERY TIME!
Isn't Imagination Wonderful !!!!
|
SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7976
Loc: Mid Mo
|
|
Learning Golf...
To all those wishing to learn golf...
My wife told me it was about time that I learned to play golf. It's a game where you chase a little ball all over the country when you are too old to chase women...
So, I went to see Mr. Jones and asked him if he would teach me how to play.
He said, "Sure, you've got balls don't you?"
"Yes, but on cold mornings they are hard to find."
"Bring them to the clubhouse tomorrow and we will tee off."
"What's tee off?"
"It's a golf term and we have to tee off in front of the clubhouse."
"Not for me," I said. "You can tee off in front of the clubhouse, but I'll tee off behind the barn somewhere."
"No, no, a tee is a little thing about the size of your finger."
"Yeah, I've got one of those."
"Well, you stick it in the ground and put your ball on top of it."
"You play golf sitting down? I always thought you stood up and walked around."
"You do, you're standing up when you put your ball on the tee."
Well folks, I thought that was stretching things a bit too far and I said so.
He said, "You've got a bag haven't you?"
"Sure."
"Your balls are in it, aren't they?"
"Of course," I told him.
"Well, can't you open your bag and take one out?"
"I suppose I could, but I'll be damned if I am going to."
"Don't you have a zipper on your bag?"
"No, I am the old-fashioned type."
"Do you know how to hold your club?"
Well, after 65 years, I should have some sort of an idea and I told him so.
He said, "You take your club in both hands..."
I knew right then he didn't know what he was talking about.
Then he said, "Swing it over your shoulder..."
That's not me at all. That's my brother he's talking about.
He asked, "How do you hold your club?"
Before I thought about it, I said, "With two fingers."
He said that wasn't right.
He got behind me, put two arms around me, and said for me to bend over and he would show me.
Well, he couldn't catch me there. I didn't spend four years in the Navy for nothing.
He said, "You hit the ball with your club and it soars and soars..."
I could well imagine that.
"...And when you're on the green&"
"What's the green?"
"That's where the hole is."
"Sure you're not colour blind?"
"Then you take your putter in your hands..."
"What's a putter?"
"That's the smallest club made."
"That's what I got, a putter."
"And with it, you put your ball into the hole."
I corrected him, "You mean the putter."
"No, the ball. The hole isn't big enough for the ball and putter too."
Well, I've seen some big enough for a horse and wagon.
"Then," he said, "after you finish with the first hole, you go on to the next 17."
Well, he certainly wasn't talking about me. After two holes I'm shot to hell.
"You mean you can't make 18 holes in one day?"
"Hell no! It takes me 18 days to make one hole!
"Besides, how do I know when I am in the 18th hole?"
"The flag will go up!"
...Well, golfing is not for me
--------------------
"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
|
SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7976
Loc: Mid Mo
|
|
An amusing video...
--------------------
"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
|
SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7976
Loc: Mid Mo
|
|
This morning I waded across a raging river,
escaped from a bear in the woods,
marched up and down a mountain,
stood in a patch of poison ivy,
crawled out of quicksand,
My friend said, You must be some outdoorsman !
No, I replied, I'm just a shitty golfer.
--------------------
"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
|
SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7976
Loc: Mid Mo
|
|
One day I accidentally overturned my golf cart.
Elizabeth, a very attractive and keen golfer who lived in a villa on the golf course, heard the noise and called out,
“Are you okay, what's your name?"
"It’s Jack , and I’m OK thanks," I replied.
"Jack , forget your troubles. Come to my villa, rest a while, and I'll help you get the cart up later."
"That's mighty nice of you," I answered,”but I don't think my wife would like it."
"Oh, come on," Elizabeth insisted.
She was very pretty and persuasive.
"Well okay," I finally agreed, and added, "but my wife won't like it."
After a restorative brandy, she insisted that I remove my clothes and she would give me a massage, afterwards, I thanked my host.
"I feel a lot better now, but I know my wife is going to be really upset."
"Don't be silly!” Elizabeth said with a smile, “She won't know anything. Where is she, anyway?"
"Under the cart!" I said....
--------------------
"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
|
wuchang
spiritual advisor and gatekeeper to the Spirit World
Reged: 12/14/05
Posts: 5287
Loc: uphill
|
|
Showed the last around the office this am
You are now several supervisory types hero and source of inspiration
At least they weren't lawyers 
|
SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7976
Loc: Mid Mo
|
|
Thanks. I do what I can.
--------------------
"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
|
SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7976
Loc: Mid Mo
|
|
During his golfing vacation at Martha's Vineyard - President Obama had been slicing off the tee on every hole.
He asked his Scottish caddy if he had noticed any obvious reasons for his poor tee shots, to which the caddy replied:
"Aye, there's a piece of shyt on the end of yer driver. "
The President picked up his driver and cleaned the club face, at which point the caddy said:
"No, the other end."
--------------------
"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
|
Mel
member
Reged: 12/14/05
Posts: 6896
Loc: Excelsior Springs, MO
|
|
Amen to that!!!!
--------------------
Member DU, Delta
Forgive your enemies, but never forget their names - John Kennedy
|
|
Previous
Index
Next
Threaded
Edit
Reply
Quote
