SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7976
Loc: Mid Mo
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The speed at which you respond to a fight call is inversely proportional to how long you've been a cop. .... .
Tear gas works on cops too, and regardless of wind direction, will always blow back in your face. ...... ..
High speed chases will always proceed from an area of light traffic to an area of extremely heavy traffic. ...... .
Placing a gun back in a shoulder holster with your finger on the trigger will cause you to walk with a limp. ...... ..
Flash suppressors don't really. ...... ..
If you have `cleared' all the rooms and met no resistance, you and your entry team have probably kicked in the door of the wrong house...... ..
If a cop swings a baton in a fight, he will hit other cops more often than he will hit the bad guys he swings at. ....... ..
Domestic arguments will always migrate from an area of few available weapons (living room), to an area with many available weapons (kitchen). .... ..
When a civilian sees a blue light approaching at a high rate of speed, he will always pull into the lane the cop needs to use....... ..
If you drive your patrol car to the geometric center of the Gobi Desert, within five minutes some dumb civilian will pull along side you and ask for directions....... .
You can never drive slow enough to please the citizens who don't need a cop, and you can never drive fast enough to please the ones who do. ...... ..
Any suspect with a rifle is a better shot than any cop with a pistol....... ..
From behind you, the bad guys can see your night sights as well as you can. ...... ..
On any call, there will always be more `bad guys' than there are good guys, and the farther away your back-up, the more there will be. ..... .
.The longer you've been a cop, the shorter your flashlight and your temper gets. ..... .
.Whatever you are about to do, if there is a good chance it will get you killed, you probably shouldn't do it. ..... ..
The better you do your job, the more likely you are to be shot, injured, complained on, sued, investigated, or subpoenaed on your day off. ..... ..
If a large group of drunk bikers is "holed-up" in a house, the Department will send one officer in a beat car. If there is one biker "holed-up" in a house, they will send the entire S. W. A. T. Team. ..... .
.The likelihood that you are speaking to an undercover law enforcement officer, is directly proportional to the number of personal questions being asked of you....... ..
Dogs do not see the badge as a person of authority, they see lunch...... ..
Laser sights work
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7976
Loc: Mid Mo
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A cop was patrolling late at night in a well-known spot. He sees a couple in a car, with the interior light brightly glowing. The cop carefully approaches the car to get a closer look.
Then he sees a young man behind the wheel, reading a computer magazine. He immediately notices a young woman in the rear seat, knitting. Puzzled by this surprising situation, the cop walks to the car and gently raps on the driver's window.
The young man lowers his window . "Uh, yes, officer?"
The cop says: "What are you doing?"
The young man says: "Well, Officer, I'm reading a magazine."
Pointing towards the young woman in the back seat the cop says: "And her, what is she doing?"
The young man shrugs: "Sir, I believe she's knitting a pullover sweater."
Now, the cop is totally confused. A young couple. Alone, in a car, at night in a Lover's lane....and nothing obscene is happening!
The cop asks: "What's your age, young man?"
The young man says : "I'm 22, sir."
The cop asks: "And her .. what's her age?"
The young man looks at his watch and replies: "She'll be 18 in 11 minutes."
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7976
Loc: Mid Mo
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A city cop was on his horse waiting to cross the street when a little girl stopped beside him on her shiny new bike.
Nice bike," the cop said, "Did Santa bring it to you?" "Yep," the little girl said, "He sure did!"
The cop looked the bike over and handed the girl a $20 ticket for a safety violation, saying, "Next year tell Santa to put a reflector light on the back of it."
The young girl looked up at the cop and said, "Nice horse you got there sir, did Santa bring it to you?" "Yes, he sure did," chuckled the cop.
The little girl looked up at the cop and said, "Next year tell Santa the dick goes underneath the horse, not on top.
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7976
Loc: Mid Mo
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An older lady gets pulled over for speeding...
Older woman: Is there a problem Officer?
Officer: Ma'am you were speeding.
Older woman: Oh, I see.
Officer: Can I see your license please?
Older woman: I'd give it to you but I dont have one.
Officer: Dont have one?
Older woman: Lost it, 4 years ago for drunk driving.
Officer: I see...Can I see your vehicle registration papers please?
Older woman: I cant do that.
Officer: Why not?
Older woman: I stole this car.
Officer: Stole it?
Older woman: Yes, and I killed and hacked up the owner.
Officer: You what?
Older woman: His body parts are in plastic bags in the trunk if you want to see.
The officer looks at the woman and slowly backs away to his car and calls for back up. Within minutes 5 police cars circle the car. A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half drawn gun.
Officer 2: Ma'am, could you step out of your vehicle please!
The woman steps out of her vehicle.
Officer 2: One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and murdered the owner.
Older woman: Murdered the owner?
Officer 2: Yes, could you please open the trunk of your car please?
The woman opens the trunk revealing nothing but an empty trunk.
Officer 2: Is this your car ma'am?
Older woman: Yes, here are the registration papers.
The officer is quite stunned.
Officer 2: One of my officers claims that you do not have a driving license.
The woman digs into her handbag and pulls out a clutch purse and hands it to the officer. The officer examines the license. He looks quite puzzled.
Officer 2: Thank you ma'am, one of my officers told me you didnt have a license, that you stole this car, and that you murdered and hacked up the owner.
Older woman: Bet the liar told you I was speeding too.
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7976
Loc: Mid Mo
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A motor officer stops a man for running a red light. The guy is a real jerk and comes running back to the motor officer The violator demands to know why he is being harassed by the Gestapo! So the officer calmly tells him of the red light violation. The "Motorist" instantly goes on a tirade, questioning the officer's ancestry, sexual orientation, etc., in rather explicit terms and swearing he will "eat him alive" when he takes the ticket to court.
The tirade goes on without the cop saying anything. When he gets done with writing the citation he puts an "AH" in the lower right corner of the narrative portion of the citation. He then hands it to the "Violator" for his signature. The guy signs the cite angrily, tearing the paper, and when presented his copy points to the "AH" and demands to know what it stands for The officer says, "That's so when we go to court, I'll remember you're an asshole, sir."
Three months later they are in court. The "Violator" has such a bad record he is about to lose his license and has hired an attorney to represent him. On the stand the officer testifies to seeing the man run the red light. Under cross examination the defense attorney asks:
"Officer is this a reasonable facsimile of the citation you issued my client?"
Officer responds, "Yes sir, this is the defendant's copy, his signature and mine, same number at the top."
Attorney: "Officer, is there any particular marking or notation on this citation you don't normally make?"
Officer: "Yes sir, in the lower right corner of the narrative there is an 'AH', underlined."
Attorney: "What does the 'AH' stand for, Officer?"
Officer: "It stands for 'Aggressive and Hostile,' sir."
Attorney: "'Aggressive and hostile'?"
Officer: "Yes, sir."
Attorney: "Officer, are you sure it doesn't stand for 'Asshole'?"
Officer: "Well Counselor, you know your client better than I do....."
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7976
Loc: Mid Mo
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From The LawDog Files
Monday, May 07, 2007
Tactical advice
By way of my friend Peter, we learn of the romantic adventures -- and tactical lessons -- of a Louisiana critter.
There is a Class 1 Beverage Alert in effect.
Enjoy.
A few tactical lessons learned from an incident this weekend:
1. If you're a young, horny teenage male who wants to get it off in the worst possible way, do not get a school 'friend' to introduce you to a pretty girl without checking on the background of said girl. In the absence of such checks a few salient facts might go unnoticed.
2. It is not a good idea to take your friend and said girl in your car to a 'movie', drop your friend at the door to buy tickets, and instead of parking the car, drive out of the cinema parking lot and down the road.
3. It's not a good idea to turn off onto a dirt road, stop the car, expose yourself and brag about how good a time you're going to give her.
4. It's an even worse idea to expose yourself when the girl in question has been well and truly informed by her parents of the effects of grabbing and squeezing (in a distinctly non-erotic manner). This error is compounded when she has naturally long, sharp nails.
5. When the young lady leaves your car and runs back to the main road, after you've unwrapped yourself from around the steering wheel and stopped crying, it's not a good idea to try to go after her by initiating a three-point reverse on a Louisiana single-lane dirt-track road when there's a bayou off to the side where you're reversing.
6. Having swum to shore and wrung your clothes out, it's not a good idea to go chasing after the girl screaming (at the top of your lungs) what you're about to do to her . . . particularly when the nice policeman (who happens to be her godfather) has just spotted her at the roadside, pulled up, got out of his car, and is listening to her tale of the night's adventures.
7. When said policeman remonstrates with you (as politely as possible under the circumstances) about your intentions and advises you to "cool it", it's a really, REALLY bad idea to tell him that he's a "****-sucking pig-*** mother******", that you know your rights, and that he can't do a ****ing thing to you. He may take this as an invitation to demonstrate to you the depths of your error of judgment.
8. When handcuffed and in the rear seat of the nice policeman's vehicle (once again in a pain-wracked state) it's the height of folly to inform the policeman and the girl (now sitting in the front seat) that your daddy's gonna fix his *** for him, but good. It's an even worse idea to tell him your daddy's name and address when he inquires about it. You see, your daddy has a string of felony convictions as long as you wish a certain portion of your anatomy was, and he's got an outstanding warrant right now.
9. When the nice policeman nods gravely at the flow of insulting comment and asks "Is your daddy home right now?", your daddy (under the circumstances) may not be too pleased if you answer "Yes".
10. When the nice policeman and the young lady in the front seats look at each other and break into hysterical laughter while the nice policeman reaches for his microphone and calls for backup, you might begin to get an inkling that you've just compounded your earlier errors.
11. After a brief interval, when your daddy's placed in the back seat alongside you (also in handcuffs) and, amid much profanity and muttering, wonders aloud how the "****ing cops knew he was at home", it's the crowning glory of your evening's errors to tell him that you told them he was at home.
12. This will lead to several large, hairy policemen standing around the patrol car having hysterics whilst your infuriated father tries to bite your ear off (with considerable, albeit only partial, success).
13. When you and your daddy have eventually been booked in at the jail, and both of you demand loudly to make bail, it's not polite to scream with horror when informed that the young lady's father is - guess what?- the judge who will be considering your bail application, but he can't come right now as he's listening to his daughter tell him about her evening. Don't worry - he'll be along shortly.
*gigglesnort*
Thanks, Peter.
LawDog
The LawDog Files
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7976
Loc: Mid Mo
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|
A redneck farm hand radios back to his boss, the farm manager: "Boss, I got a big problem here. I hit a pig with the pickup. The pig's o.k., but he's stuck in the bull bar at the front of my pickup and is wriggling and squealing so much I can't get him out."
The manager says, "OK there's a 30/30 behind the seat, take it out and shoot the pig in the head and you'll be able to remove him."
Five minutes later the farm hand calls back.
"I did as you said, Boss. Took the 30/30 and shot the pig in the head and removed him from the bull-bars. No problem there, but I still can't go on."
"Now what's the problem?" raged the manager. "Well Boss, it's his motor bike. The flashing red and blue lights is stuck under the right front wheel and ... Boss Boss BOSS You still there Boss?"
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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