SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7976
Loc: Mid Mo
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The preacher was just getting a full head of steam and seemed pleased with himself this morning. He was talking about how a Protestant was stranded all alone on an island. He begins sending smoke signals, hoping that somebody will find him.
Ten years pass, and a boat is sailing by. The captain notices the smoke signals, and decides to pull into the island. When he docks, he sees three huts. The Protestant runs out and embraces the captain, and says, “Thank you for rescuing me!” The captain says, “No problem, where are the others?” The man says, “There is only me, I am all alone on this island.”
The captain, confused, asks, “If you are all alone, then why are there three huts?” The man says, “Well, the first hut is where I live, that’s my home. The second hut is my church, where I worship.” The captain asks, “And what is the third hut?” The man says, “Oh, that was the church I used to go to.”
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7976
Loc: Mid Mo
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Jesus, Buddha and Mohammed have a management meeting in heaven to discuss how to control world population.
Jesus says, "Another big earthquake then, Gents?"
Mohammed says, "Nah, just kill all the infidels."
Buddha says, "Don't kill anyone; we must love all living beings, except pedophiles!"
Jesus says, "OK, let's just kill all the pedophiles!"
Mohammed says, "There you go again Jesus, wanting to wipe out all the Muslims!"
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7976
Loc: Mid Mo
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A minister decided to do something a little different one Sunday morning. He said, "Today, in church, I am going to say a single word and you are going to help me preach. Whatever single word I say, I want you to sing whatever hymn comes to your mind."The pastor shouted out, "Cross!" Immediately the congregation started singing, in unison, "The Old Rugged Cross."The pastor hollered out, "Grace!" The congregation began to sing "Amazing Grace, how sweet the sound..."The pastor said, "Power." The congregation sang "There Is Power in the Blood." The Pastor said, "Sex." The congregation fell in total silence. Everyone was in shock. They all nervously began to look around at each other, afraid to say anything. Then all of a sudden, way from in the back of the church, a little old 87-year-old grandmother stood up and began to sing "Precious Memories."
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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Bubba
strangesly aroused
Reged: 12/14/05
Posts: 3828
Loc: Lemmingstan
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God Bless our Troops!
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7976
Loc: Mid Mo
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A young missionary on his first term in Africa was reading his Bible in a clearing when a lion came up and laid down beside him. As he quietly prayed for deliverance, another lion came out of the bush and laid down by his other side. Convinced that this was a test of his faith, he returned to reading his Bible. As soon as he did, the two lions pounced on him and devoured him.
Moral: Don't try to read between the lions.
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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Bubba
strangesly aroused
Reged: 12/14/05
Posts: 3828
Loc: Lemmingstan
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Ah hell no 
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God Bless our Troops!
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7976
Loc: Mid Mo
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7976
Loc: Mid Mo
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Four Catholic ladies were having coffee.
The first Catholic woman tells her friends "My son is a priest. When he walks into a room, everyone calls him "Father."
The second Catholic woman chirps, "My son is a bishop. Whenever he walks into a room, people call him, "Your Grace."
The third Catholic mother says, "My son is a cardinal. Whenever he walks into a room, people say, "Your Eminence."
The fourth Catholic woman sips her coffee in silence, the first three women give her this subtle, "Well?"
So she replies, "My son is a gorgeous, 6' 2", hard-bodied dancer. When he walks into a room, people say, "Oh my God!"
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7976
Loc: Mid Mo
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THE TRUE WAY THE INTERNET WAS STARTED!
HOW THE INTERNET STARTED, ACCORDING TO THE BIBLE:
In ancient Israel , it came to pass that a trader by the name of Abraham Com did take unto himself a healthy young wife by the name of Dorothy (Dot for short). Dot Com was a comely woman, large of breast, broad of shoulder and long of leg. Indeed, she was often called Amazon Dot Com.
And she said unto Abraham, her husband, “Why dost thou travel so far from town to town with thy goods when thou canst trade without ever leaving thy tent?”
And Abraham did look at her as though she were several saddle bags short of a camel load, but simply said, “How, dear?”
And Dot replied, “I will place drums in all the towns and drums in between to send messages saying what you have for sale, and they will reply telling you who hath the best price. The sale can be made on the drums and delivery made by Uriah’s Pony Stable (UPS).”
Abraham thought long and decided he would let Dot have her way with the drums. And the drums rang out and were an immediate success. Abraham sold all the goods he had at the top price, without ever having to move from his tent.
To prevent neighboring countries from overhearing what the drums were saying, Dot devised a system that only she and the drummers knew. It was known as Must Send Drum Over Sound (MSDOS), and she also developed a language to transmit ideas and pictures – Hebrew to The People (HTTP).
And the young men did take to Dot Com’s trading as doth the greedy horsefly take to camel dung. They were called Nomadic Ecclesiastical Rich Dominican Sybarites, or NERDS. And lo, the land was so feverish with joy at the new riches and the deafening sound of drums that no one noticed that the real riches were going to that enterprising drum dealer, Brother William of Gates, who bought off every drum maker in the land. Indeed he did insist on drums to be made that would work only with Brother Gates’ drumheads and drumsticks.
And Dot did say, “Oh, Abraham, what we have started is being taken over by others.” And Abraham looked out over the Bay of Ezekiel , or eBay as it came to be known. He said, “We need a name that reflects what we are.”
And Dot replied, “Young Ambitious Hebrew Owner Operators.”
“YAHOO,” said Abraham. And because it was Dot’s idea, they named it YAHOO Dot Com.
Abraham’s cousin, Joshua, being the young Gregarious Energetic Educated Kid (GEEK) that he was, soon started using Dot’s drums to locate things around the countryside.
It soon became known as God’s Own Official Guide to Locating Everything (GOOGLE).
That is how it all began. And that’s the truth. I would not make up this stuff.
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7976
Loc: Mid Mo
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A new priest, born and raised in rural Alberta comes to serve in a city parish and is nervous about hearing confessions, so he asks the older priest to sit in on his sessions.
The new priest hears a couple of confessions, then the old priest asks him to step out
of the confessional for a few suggestions.
The old priest suggests, "Cross your arms over your chest, and rub your chin with one hand and try saying things like 'yes, I see,' and 'yes, go on,' and 'I understand.'
The new priest crosses his arms, rubs his chin with one hand and repeats all the suggested remarks to the old priest.
The old priest says, "Now, don't you think that's a little better than slapping your knee and saying, "No chit, what happened next!
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7976
Loc: Mid Mo
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A single guy decided life would be more fun if he had a pet. So, he went to the pet store and told the owner that he wanted to buy an unusual pet.
After some discussion, he finally bought a centipede that came in a little white box, which served as the bug's house.
He took his purchase home, found a good location for the box and decided he would start off by taking his new pet to church with him. So, he asked the centipede in the box, "Would you like to go to church with me today? We will have a good time."
But there was no answer from his new pet.
This bothered him a bit, but he waited a few minutes and then asked him again, "How about going to church with me and receive blessings?"
But again, there was no answer from his new friend and pet.
So, he waited a few minutes more, thinking about the situation. He decided to ask him one more time; this time, putting his face up against the centipede's house and shouting, "Hey, in there! Would you like to go to church with me?"
And a little voice came out of the box and said, "I heard you the first time. I'm putting on my shoes!
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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wuchang
spiritual advisor and gatekeeper to the Spirit World
Reged: 12/14/05
Posts: 5287
Loc: uphill
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Whod’a thunk it?
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7976
Loc: Mid Mo
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Church Funnies
A Baptist preacher and his wife decided to get a new dog. Ever mindful of the congregation, they knew the dog must also be a Baptist. They visited kennel after kennel and explained their needs. Finally, they found a kennel whose owner assured them he had just the dog they wanted. The owner brought the dog to meet the pastor and his wife.
"Fetch the Bible," he commanded. The dog bounded to the bookshelf, scrutinized the books, located the Bible, and brought it to the owner. "Now find Psalm 23," he commanded. The dog placed the Bible on the floor and showing marvelous dexterity with his paws, leafed through and finding the correct passage, pointed to it with his paw. The pastor and his wife were very impressed and purchased the dog.
That evening, a group of church members came to visit. The pastor and his wife began to show off the dog, having him locate several Bible verses. The visitors were very impressed. One man asked, "Can he do regular dog tricks, too?"
"I haven't tried yet," the pastor replied. He pointed his finger at the dog. "HEEL!" the pastor commanded.
The dog immediately jumped on a chair, placed one paw on the pastor's forehead and began to howl.
The pastor looked at his wife in shock and said, "Good Lord! He's Pentecostal!!!"
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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