Bagpipes-(noun)-I understand the inventor of the bagpipes was inspired when he saw a man carrying an indignant, asthmatic pig under his arm. Unfortunately, the man-made object never equalled the purity of sound achieved by the pig.
-Alfred Hitchcock

Q. How do you get two bagpipes to play a perfect unison?
A. Shoot one.

Q. What's the difference between a bagpipe and an onion?
A. No one cries when you chop up an bagpipe.

Q. What's the difference between a bagpipe and a trampoline?
A. You take off your shoes when you jump on a trampoline.

Q. How can you tell a bagpiper with perfect pitch?
A. He can throw a set into the middle of a pond and not hit any of the ducks.

Q. How is playing a bagpipe like throwing a javelin blindfolded?
A. You don't have to be very good to get people's attention.

Q. What's the difference between the Great Highland and Northumbrian bagpipes?
A. The GHB burns longer [but the Northumbrian burns hotter]

Q. What's the difference between a lawnmower and a bagpipe?
A. You can tune the lawnmower, and the owner's neighbors are upset if you borrow the lawnmower and don't return it.

Q. What's the definition of a gentleman?
A. Someone who knows how to play the bagpipe and doesn't.

Q. What's the difference between a dead snake in the road and a dead bagpiper in the road?
A. Skid marks in front of the snake.

Q. What's the range of a bagpipe?
A. Twenty yards if you have a good arm.

Q. What did the bagpiper get on his I.Q. test?
A. Drool.

Q. Why are bagpipers fingers like lightning?
A. They rarely strike the same spot twice.

Q. How can you tell if a bagpipe is out of tune?
A. Someone is blowing into it.

Q. Why is a bagpipe like a Scud missile?
A. Both are offensive and inaccurate.

Q. Why do bagpipers walk when they play?
A. To get away from the sound.

Q. Why do bagpipers always walk when they play?
A. Moving targets are harder to hit.

Q. What does a bagpiper wear under his kilt?
A. Shoes and socks.

Q. Why do they call it a "kilt"?
A. Because a lot of people got kilt when they called it a skirt.

Q. What's one thing you never hear people say?
A. Oh, that's the bagpipe player's Porsche.

Q: What's the difference between a Scotsman and a Rolling Stone?
A: A Rolling Stone says "hey you, get off of my cloud!", while a Scotsman says "Hey McLeod, get off of my ewe!"

Q. What's the difference between a bagpiper and a frog?
A. The frog might be getting a gig.