SEVENTY-TWO VIRGINS

by STEVE MARTIN

Issue of 2007-01-29
Posted 2007-01-22

Virgin No. 1: Yuck.

Virgin No. 2: Ick.

Virgin No. 3: Ew.

Virgin No. 4: Ow.

Virgin No. 5: Do you like cats? I have fourteen!

Virgin No. 6: I?m Becky. I?ll be legal in two years.

Virgin No. 7: Here, I?ll just pull down your zipper. Oh, sorry!

Virgin No. 8: Can we cuddle first?

Virgin No. 9: It was a garlic-and-onion pizza. Why?

Virgin No. 10: . . . so I see Heath, and he goes, ?Like, what are you doing here?,? and I go, ?I?m hangin? out,? so he goes, ?Like, what?? . . .

Virgin No. 11: First you?re going to have to show me an up-to-date health certificate.

Virgin No. 12: Hurry! My parents are due home!

Virgin No. 13: Do you want the regular or the special?

Virgin No. 14: I?m eighty-four. So what?

Virgin No. 15: Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes!

Virgin No. 16: Even I know that?s tiny.

Virgin No. 17: ?Do it?? Meaning what?

Virgin No. 18: I?m saving myself for Jesus.

Virgin No. 19: Somewhere on my body I have hidden a buffalo nickel.

Virgin No. 20: Don?t touch my hair!

Virgin No. 21: I hope you?re not going to sleep with me and then go sleep with seventy-one others.

Virgin No. 22: Do you mind if we listen to Mannheim Steamroller?

Virgin No. 23: Are you O.K. with the dog on the bed?

Virgin No. 24: Would you mind saying, ?Could I see you in my office, Miss Witherspoon???

Virgin No. 25: Ride me! Ride me, Lucky Buck!

Virgin No. 26: You like your vanilla hot?

Virgin No. 27: Does Ookums like Snookums?

Virgin No. 28: It?s so romantic here, dead.

Virgin No. 29: Well, I?m a virgin, but my hand isn?t.

Virgin No. 30: You are in?

Virgin No. 31: Hi, cowboy. I just rode down from Brokeback Mountain.

Virgin No. 32: I?m a virgin because I?m so ugly.

Virgin No. 33: You like-ee?

Virgin No. 34: I?ll betcha you can?t get an erection. Go on, impress me. C?mon, show me. Show me, big shot.

Virgin No. 35: By the way, here in Heaven ?virgin? has a slightly different meaning. It means ?chatty.?

Virgin No. 36: Sure, I like you, but as a friend.

Virgin No. 37: No kissing. I save that for my boyfriend.

Virgin No. 38: I?m Zania, from the planet Xeron. My vagina is on my foot.

Virgin No. 39: It?s a lesion, and, no, I don?t know what kind.

Virgin No. 40: I?m Jewish. Why do you ask?

Virgin No. 41: Hi, I?m Becky. Oh, whoops?you again.

Virgin No. 42: I just love camping! Camping is so great! Can we go camping sometime?

Virgin No. 43: In the spirit of full disclosure, I?m a single mom.

Virgin No. 44: You like my breasts? They were my graduation gift.

Virgin No. 45: When you?re done, you should really check out how cool this ceiling is.

Virgin No. 46: I?m almost there. Just another couple of hours.

Virgin No. 47: Get your own beer, you nitwit.

Virgin No. 48: No, you?ve got it wrong. We?re in the Paradise Casino.

Virgin No. 49: I really enjoyed that. Thank you very much. Gee, it?s late.

Virgin No. 50: You make me feel like a real woman. And after this is over I?m going to find one.

Virgin No. 51: What do you mean, ?move a little??

Virgin No. 52: Not now, I?m on my BlackBerry.

Virgin No. 53: I love it when you put on your pants and leave.

Virgin No. 54: We?ve been together twenty-four hours now, and, you know, sometimes it?s O.K. to say something mildly humorous.

Virgin No. 55: That was terrible. I should have listened to the other virgins.

Virgin No. 56: I think I found it. Is that it? Oh. Is this it? Oh, this must be it. No?

Virgin No. 57: It must be hot in here, because I know it?s not me.

Virgin No. 58: Those are my testicles.

Virgin No. 59: Did you know that ?virgin? is an anagram of Irving?

Virgin No. 60: First ?Spamalot,? then sex.

Virgin No. 61: Great! I was hoping for circumcised.

Virgin No. 62: Was that it?

Virgin No. 63: Dang. George Clooney was being reckless on a motorcycle, but instead I got you.

Virgin No. 64: Tonight, I become a woman. But until then you can call me Bob.

Virgin No. 65: They?re called ?adult diapers.? Why?

Virgin No. 66: We could do it here for free, or on a stage in D?sseldorf for money.

Virgin No. 67: I?m just Virgin No. 67 to you, right?

Virgin No. 68: Pee-yoo. Are you wearing Aramis?

Virgin No. 69: Condom, please.

Virgin No. 70: My name is Mother Teresa.

Virgin No. 71: I?m not very good at this, but let?s start with the Reverse Lotus Blossom.

Virgin No. 72: It was paradise, until you showed up.