Or maybe this one from Daniel Kurtzman:

Denver, CO - As the Democratic Party engages in its quadrennial exercise in futility, here's a look at the surprises they have in store to win voters' hearts and minds.

4:00 PM - Opening Flag Burning Ceremony

4:05 PM - Singing of "God Damn America" led by Rev. Jeremiah Wright

4:10 PM - Pledge of Allegiance to Obama

4:15 PM - Ceremonial Terrorist Fist-Jab led by Michelle Obama

4:20 PM - Tips on Dodging Sniper Fire - Hillary Clinton

4:30 PM - Jesse Jackson Leads Castrati Choir in Singing "Great Balls of Fire"

4:45 PM - UFO Abduction Survival Tips - Dennis Kucinich

5:00 PM - John Edwards Speaks on "Family Values" via Satellite from Hotel Bathroom

5:30 PM - Eliot Spitzer Speaks on "Family Values" via Satellite from Emperors VIP Club

6:00 PM - Joe Biden Delivers 100,000-Word Acceptance Speech Featuring a 23-Minute Question and Two-Hour Answer

8:30 PM - Airing of Grievances by the Clintons

8:45 PM - Hillary Clinton Releases Her Delegates and Flying Monkeys

9:00 PM - Bill Clinton Delivers Rousing Endorsement of Obama Girl

9:15 PM - Tribute Film to Freedom Fighters at Gitmo - Michael Moore

9:30 PM - Exclusive Panties-Optional Celebrity Party Hosted by Paris Hilton and Britney Spears

9:45 PM - Personal Finance Seminar - Congressman William "Cold Cash" Jefferson

10:00 PM - Ceremonial Denunciation of Bitter and Clingy Gun Owners

10:30 PM - Ceremonial Denial of Progress in Iraq and Waving of White Flag

11:00 PM - Obama Energy Plan Symposium/Tire Gauge Demonstration

11:15 PM - Free Mayor Kwame Kilpatrick Pep Rally

11:30 PM - Al Gore Accepts Tony and Latin Grammy Awards

11:45 PM - Feeding of the Delegates with 5 Loaves and 2 Fish - Obama Presiding

12:00 AM - Official Nomination of Obama via Text Message Sent by Scarlett Johansson

12:01 AM - Barack Obama Accepts Nomination for Lord and Savior

12:05 AM - Celestial Choirs Sing

3:00 AM - Hillary Clinton Delivers Acceptance Speech

*******************

Republican Convention Schedule:

7:00 pm - Ceremonial burning of the U.S. Constitution

7:15 pm - Spiritual Medium Sylvia Browne performs psychic séance in desperate attempt to raise Ronald Reagan from the grave

7:35 pm - "The Pleasures of Adultery" - with Newt Gingrich & Rudy Giuliani

8:05 pm - Gay sex party in Men's Restroom hosted by Senator Larry Craig

8:35 pm - Transvestite Ann Coulter - "My Life as a Man"

8:55 pm - Live satellite feed from Federal Prison - Ohio Rep. Bob Ney

9:05 pm - Guest speaker ex-Florida Congressman Mark Foley " Joys with Young Boys"

9:25 pm - Oliver North - "Iran is Evil, but I sold them weapons anyway"

9:40 pm - Bill O' Reilly - "The costs of sexual harassment and phone sex with employees"

10:00 pm - Gay sex party in Men's Room hosted by Ken Mehlman and Geraldo Rivera

10:25 pm - Check John McCain to see if he's still breathing and if his adult diaper needs
changed.

10:35 pm - N.R.A. President hosts an assault rifle target practice on Gays and Mexicans.

10:45 pm - Call emergency squad after a drunken Dick Cheney accidentally shoots his friend in the face.

11:00 pm - President Bush performs his hilarious comedy routine where he looks for
Iraq's fictitious WMD's under guests tables.

11:15 pm - Governor Mike Huckabee does his famous uncanny imitation of Gomer Pyle.

11:20 pm - Group intervention to get Rush Limbaugh back into drug rehab

11: 45 pm - Go up on rooftop and throw rocks down at homeless Vets sleeping in alley.

12:00 am - Live satellite feed from Federal Prison - California Congressman Randy "Duke" Cunningham

12:20 am - Convicted felon/Fox News analyst G. Gordon Liddy - Lock picking secrets

12: 40 am - Guest speakers Donald Rumsfeld and Paul Wolfowitz - "How to lie your Country into a War"

1:00 am - Former House Majority Leader Tom DeLay - "Tips on Money Laundering"

1:15 am - Hookers arrive for after party