How to translate classified type 'personal' ads

Affectionate = Horny.
Aging Child = Self centered adult.
Ample = Large.
Assertive = Pushy with a mean streak.
Attractive = Average and conceited
Average = Below Average
Chatty = Never shuts up.
Cute = Ugly
Dynamic = Pushy
Excited About Life's Journey = No concept of reality.
Sassy = Large and loudmouthed.
(I am) financially secure = I have a job.
(You are) financially secure = You are rich.
Freedom loving = Undependable.
Free Spirited = Crazy and irresponsible.
High Spirited = Crazy, hyperactive, and throws things.
Huggable = Large and flabby.
Independent Thinker = Crazy.
Irreverent = Mean and lacking basic social skills.
Looking for 'Mr/Miss Right' = Looking for Mr/Miss Rich.
Moody = Manic-depressive.
Non Drinker = I just finished the 12 step program.
Passionate = REALLY horny.
(I am) Petite = I am short.
(You are) Petite = You are Size 2.
Poetic = Manic-depressive and boring.
Relaxed = Lazy
Romantic = Horny.
Self Employed = Unemployed.
Slender = Skinny.
Social Drinker = Alcoholic.
Svelte = Anorexic.
Uninhibited = Lacking basic social skills.
Unpredictable = Psychopathic and off medication.
Very Human = Looks like Quasimodo.
Young at Heart = Over 40.
Youthful = Over 50 and in major denial