THE TOP TEN THINGS YOU WON'T HEAR A FATHER SAY:

10. WELL HOW ABOUT THAT? I'M LOST! WELL,I GUESS WE'LL JUST HAVE TO STOP AND ASK FOR DIRECTIONS!

9. PUMPKIN, I'VE NOTICED THAT YOU, AND ALL OF YOUR TEENAGE GIRLFRIENDS, HAVE A CERTAIN, HOSTILE ATTITUDE. YOU KNOW, I THINK I LIKE IT!

8. KIDS WHY DON'T YOU RUN OUT AND GET A TATTOO OR PIERCING LIKE ALL OF YOUR FRIENDS HAVE?

7. A JOB? NOW WHY WOULD YOU WANT TO GET A JOB? I MAKE PLENTY OF MONEY FOR YOU TO SPEND!

6. YOU KNOW SUGAR, NOW THAT YOU'RE THIRTEEN YOU SHOULD REALLY THINK ABOUT GOING OUT ON THOSE UNCHAPERONED CAR DATES. DON'T WORRY! IT'LL BE FUN!

5. HERE'S MY CREDIT CARD AND THE KEYS TO THE NEW CAR. NOW JUST GO CRAZY!

4. SWEETY, I REALLY THINK YOU SHOULD GO BACK AND LOOK IN YOUR CLOSET FOR SOME SMALLER CLOTHES THAT REALLY SHOW OFF YOUR FIGURE!

3. DON'T YOU KIDS THINK THAT YOU'RE SPENDING ENTIRELY TOO MUCH TIME STUDYING? WHY DON'T YOU TAKE A BREAK AND GO WATCH SOME TV OR PLAY A VIDEO GAME?

2. SON! WHY ARE YOU CUTTING THE GRASS? I DON'T WANT YOU TO TIRE YOURSELF OUT! NOW GO CALL SOMEONE ON YOUR CELL PHONE.

AND THE #1 THING YOU WON'T HEAR A FATHER SAY IS... (A DRUMROLL PLEASE)

1. YOU KNOW YOUR MOM AND I ARE GOING AWAY THIS WEEKEND. THIS MIGHT BE A GOOD TIME TO HAVE A PARTY, DON'T YOU THINK?